Inoka's

missing

2011-11-25T06:44:00.001+08:00

在你离开我的世界后，

我独自一点一点的编织着你这十二年所留下的爱与震撼。

希望哪天能寄到你身边，让你也能感受到，

我用一辈子来念着你。

my hero

2011-10-09T06:21:00.003+08:00

my voice was filled with tears, "lolo? are you really here?" i walk towards him as he did the same and i could feel the sadness in his eyes as if they were saying, "no. but i wish i could be.." i hugged him and i woke up.

exactly a month. i kind of cant believe im still talking about this. grief is a weird thing.

im know im feeling better already. just that sometimes i get overwhelmed with emptiness that only lolo could fill and those days are harder than others. anyway, most of the time im fine, im not sitting around grieving all the time, i do things, i laugh at silly people and their jokes, i dont cry 90% daily anymore but then it sneaks up on me and im not okay. it always starts off as remembering good times, but its really hard to avoid the heartache. maybe because i kept all his stuffs with me, although extremely painful to look at, i cant bring myself to dispose them. not yet.

lolo spent 12 years at my side. he was always right there beside me, at home and in the bedroom and in the car and always outside the bathroom waiting, while i shower. no matter what happened, he was right there, devoted to me. i just know, if i were to one day walked straight into hell, lolo would have been right there beside, braving hell fire with me.

words i still wish he hears..

baby boy, you could not have known as much, but i gave you everything with my heart, it was the hardest decision i ever made and when you left, you took me with you, and i can never get it back. i feel guilty for every time over the past 12 years where i was busy with nothing important and would tell you "go sleep lolo" instead of stopping what i was doing and loving you more. i feel like i let you down, and i cannot forgive myself. i can only hope there is really a rainbow bridge and you are happy. wait for me..

you will forever be a hero. my only hero.

2011-04-19T01:58:00.000+08:00

以为捂住耳，就可以听不到所有的烦恼。

一个笑话

2011-01-05T05:22:00.003+08:00

hey joker,

the luxury of wanting to live the kind of life i have, will become your burden.
lie more and everything else will become your punishment.
im standing here long enough to notice what you will be losing.
your future, all i can see, disastrous.
he has no space for you, there will be no you plus him.
dont hate me because im right.
even if the truth hurts, its still the truth and thats way better than all your lies.
there, i said it. out loud.
but dont we all know that anyway?

so if you dont mind, please see yourself out.
from my blog and from our lives.

bye.

poke belly

2011-01-02T06:52:00.002+08:00

you make my stomach turn.

fallen

2010-09-15T11:15:00.001+08:00

wordless poetry…

2010-09-14T07:22:00.001+08:00

my sky is falling. but no one believes me..

tears

2010-08-01T06:52:00.000+08:00

the willing captive, eavesdropping the eager rain. tapping and tapping.. down from the leaves and into her soul. how bizarre. how sad..

2010-07-05T14:23:00.000+08:00

do you believe in God? i dont.

告别

2010-02-26T10:44:00.003+08:00

its never because i dont want to love you. its because i dont know how. we, has come to an end the day u chose to leave. i dont know where to look when you disappear. i know. im sorry..

closer.closed

2009-10-28T03:32:00.001+08:00

不知道呆坐了多久，她最终也只能静静地放下。因为她剩下的只是对自己的一厢情愿，对他的何必强求。即使她一次又一次的说着其实，他是爱她的。想着，他是爱她的。原来所有不知道下的事实才是他们真正的结局。手指触着键盘感到冰凉，一根一根的，直到它们失去温度。有人说十指连心。她把手指放在胸口上，这一刻她好似触到了内心的寒冷。才发现她已经没有用苍白的文字来给那段感情记录些什么的能力，只想离开。

累了，给她个休息的地方。就这样。

最致命的伤

2009-10-27T02:02:00.002+08:00

its not like she knows how to answer all the questions she had for them.. or that they ever could. does he really.. she guess not. his moment of silence and the slow intake of breath before he said that he did not know. she already knew his unsaid answer. he was reluctant to admit that she was right. and he hates to admit that she is right again. she off her skype and listen to her tears. but it was too late by then..

hmm...

2009-09-25T10:04:00.003+08:00

i dreamt of bradley...

he asked me to join him.

and so i said, im coming. im coming.

im almost there. wait for me..

hmmm..

no one will notice.

2009-09-24T02:04:00.002+08:00

"The furthest distance in the world

Is not between life and death

But when I stand in front of you

Yet you don't know that I love you

The furthest distance in the world

Is not when i stand in font of you

Yet you can't see my love

But when undoubtedly knowing the love from both

Yet cannot be together"

其实，最凄绝的距离是两个人本来距离很远，互不相识。
有一天，相识，相爱，距离变得很近。
然后有一天，不再爱了。
本来很近的两个人，变得很远。

甚至比以前更远。

我没在哭，只是在讲我的故事。

2009-09-22T04:22:00.002+08:00

if you wonder, wont you ask?

真可笑

2009-09-17T20:39:00.003+08:00

he always say the same bullshit to me. “i never meant to lie. i never meant to upset you. im very very sorry.” his words are so interchangeable that they no longer hold the meaning they were supposed to. i knew he was lying all along. all it took was someone else to tell me everything. on one hand i felt guilty for calling him an assholic lying bastard, yet on the other hand i know that because of his actions, i couldnt really feel any other way. but its okay. i will be out of here soon..

lucky me

2009-09-11T17:40:00.003+08:00

不会再还原

2009-09-08T16:41:00.002+08:00

am too tired to think and feel

am too tired to wish and pretend

am too tired to regret and cry

im tired, i have no more to say

2009-09-03T15:10:00.003+08:00

3 fucking more months..

blessed

2009-08-25T01:11:00.022+08:00

it was just the other day when i spent my birthday with four of the most amazing girls ive ever known. they have been around since i cant remember when, but then again, time stands still when im with them. girls that drives me crazy most of the time… girls who will drop everything and tack hours onto a birthday surprise, to see me, to assure me that im not alone.

i knew they love me unconditionally, which seems to be all i need. thats why ive been blessed to spend my birthday with them so many times, and today i can honestly say im a happier girl because of them.

we are such crazy bunch, i know. not even the mess the noob waitress did could take away our happy mood. we sat there, five friends of many years, sipped our horrible teas and tasteless ice chocolates, talked about life and love and silly moments, until it was time to go.

looking down, i knew i have had the most amazing memories with these girls and i hope that i will continue to keep on forming memories. when i find myself fading and giving up, i be able to close my eyes and realize they are my healing energy.

so hey you ladies, thank you for understanding the give and take of our friendship and knowing, somehow instinctively, when i had nothing left to give. thank you for encouraging me to do what is good for me and for helping me to see that it is not selfish to take all the time in the world to heal, or to cry during super vulnerable times. thank you for unhesitatingly enduring my silly mafan-ness at all times. and thank you so very much for every moment we have spent together.. i love you all!

our shadows

2009-08-20T09:00:00.006+08:00

be still and listen, my angel.

phoenix rises from the ashes,

blistered wings searching for frail lovers.

soon we will see whispering shadows,

squashed to the ground.

over and over..

fallen, you are never alone.

august babies

2009-08-18T06:59:00.003+08:00

older and older..
arghhh i need to find myself, i need to find myself, i need to find myself.. before i forget.

suffocating

2009-08-14T02:50:00.001+08:00

tell me paradoxi.

when will it be a good time for me.

to breathe..

lotta leaves home

2009-08-11T07:14:00.001+08:00

在她的博客，见到一段刻骨铭心的回忆，都不知是要帮她将它破碎，还是陪着她延续这份收藏。
虽然现实终归是现实，我却和她一样，只是一厢情愿地生活在自己的梦里。有些游戏早已结束，可我们却沉浸在梦里迟迟未醒。不想放弃，可却好像真的别无选择。原来，独自悲伤也可以有人陪。。

什么都看不见

2009-08-09T05:56:00.002+08:00

i didnt tell her those things.
i didnt want to acknowledge them myself.
how do you let yourself know that you were given the chance and you froze?
how do you make yourself wait for the next perfect moment?
how do you even keep the hope that another moment will come?
so, i just told her lets believe in fate and left it at that.

也许开始就是个错误。

时间没有等我

2009-07-19T09:55:00.002+08:00

from rick, a cd collection of old english songs in a hand made paper gift bag, an early reminder of me being another year older very soon! rawr..

2009-07-18T11:21:00.003+08:00

are we done tiptoeing?

D.E.X.T.E.R

2009-07-15T07:58:00.003+08:00

“Nothing stays buried forever; not feelings, not secrets…”

my favorite serial killer, dexter the emotionless psychopath who takes on the form of a hero. the kind i wont mind having as a boyfriend in reality. oh now am sure, when you are willing to die no one can make you do anything any more...

boyfriend, will you kill for me?

now, is only what is

2009-07-13T21:45:00.001+08:00

把不开心放在心的最底处，一个没有其他人可以去的地方。
只要学会放在那里，你就会天下无敌。

shields down to 7% and dropping

2009-06-30T07:06:00.004+08:00

没有了激情的爱情，
从火热慢慢走向平淡，
最终只剩下一种戒不掉的习惯。
明知不可爱却爱深了，
是不是就等于是飞蛾扑火？
情人，知已。
这条界限到底应该划在哪里？

心打烊了

2009-06-26T06:16:00.001+08:00

dont try to talk to her with such anguish in your words.
dont try to touch her pretending everything is fine.
and dont you dare tell her you are sorry..

too late.

shes already gone.

在哪

2009-06-24T04:53:00.005+08:00

what a place for one to find..
and where the hell is my nook?!

my love

2009-06-22T19:05:00.006+08:00

我的狗狗已经不像以前一样蹦蹦跳跳了。
他已经老了。他真的老了。
只能希望他若觉得在我身边很幸福，
他会健健康康的再多陪我几十年好吗？

The average dog has one request to all humankind. Love me.
~ Helen Exley

2009-06-19T00:19:00.005+08:00

goodbye brav… goodbye.

ghost and him

2009-06-18T13:37:00.003+08:00

看着你，
就能看穿你。
我是如此的聪明，
谎言又如何能骗得过我。

不可能。

口中的脆弱

2009-06-17T16:43:00.003+08:00

our silence
drives me crazy because its so deafening.
makes me angry because none of us got nothing to say.
and we glare into space because we have no where else to look.
its numbing how we cant feel each other.
yet it hits so hard i could scream.
but i cant because theres nothing to scream about.
wish i could talk to you, but i got nothing to say really..

爱情真的离我们好远好远。

梦越是甜越伤人

2009-06-11T02:31:00.003+08:00

我选择了回到梦里去。
去到了一个根本不应该存在的世界。

her dreams, my dreams, it doesnt matter. we are still dreaming..

yet, i have nothing but empty words that tried to make sense to us here. i never knew what hurts more, losing someone or knowing we had nothing left to keep us together except for the fear of being alone. so, sometimes we wander away into our dreams for awhile so it hurts that much more when we come back. or it feels more intense and alive. it feels beautiful even though we knew, if we dream long enough it will all be over... all of it.

2009-06-08T05:42:00.000+08:00

is it a secret if everyone knows but nobody talks about it?

our coma

2009-06-03T08:08:00.004+08:00

whatever i said apparently isn't enough..

关心彼此，爱着彼此
然而最终选择的
却是一次次的伤害
没了浪漫
没了柔情
没了温暖
没了感动
没了心疼
没了谅解

都没了

以为他会懂

2009-06-02T05:57:00.007+08:00

again it ends the same way
only to start over
five days later
two months later
again ending the same way
he waited for so long, too long
he forgot what it was he was waiting for
the rope was not long enough
two more inches
just two more inches

“It’s easy to find fault in someone when you are looking for something wrong, but it is difficult to accept their goodness when you have already made up your mind that they are bad.”

t.a.g.g.e.d

2009-05-31T07:10:00.004+08:00

Do you believe time heals?
it always heals. thats true. but its usually never better.

Are you living your expectations?
not quite what i expected it to be. i dont have a problem saying it. i just dont like admitting it.

Do you regret often?
am not sure if anyone can really say that they lived a life without regret. there are always things that i do that i look back upon and shake my head, too often.

Do you forgive and forget?
there are people that i am able to forgive, almost no matter what. and some others i find not only extremely difficult, but almost impossible to forgive and forget.

Do you judge people around you?
i sometimes judge harshly, pin down every mistake and rub it in their faces. and i dont know why i do that. i really dont.

Are you a pessimist?
is being pessimist a totally bad thing? i think not. i can manage.

Are you depressed most of the time?
i would rather be happy than be depressed. but then again, who among us really is?

If you had gambled and lost, would you gamble again?
i gamble it all on him if i had anything at all left to wager. but i got no chips left in my hand..

Do you hate someone now?
i dont know if i hate someone. or rather, if i hate myself. both probably. for different reasons.

Do you want to live or die?
i had spent most of my life living to die. counting days. now im dying to live, still counting days. but everyday i see less and less difference between the two.

If you died rght now, how would you feel about your life?
i ..........................

karma and tears

2009-05-30T03:03:00.004+08:00

until im gone, you will miss me
after im gone, you will love me
and you will love me like you ought to
but, i would be long gone by then

要么拥抱，要么离开。

prometheus curse

2009-05-29T06:32:00.003+08:00

do we really go into the light and cross over into heaven or wherever after we die?

i used to think heaven was a place where the clouds were made of cotton candy and i sat on them. now, i neither understand nor deserve. what is heaven? well, what is the human soul? if its only death. what is there to be afraid of? heaven is so over rated and for sale, same as everything else..

不欠，不掂

2009-05-28T05:45:00.002+08:00

she said:
I haven't shed a single tear about it anymore.
Has my tears dried up since then?
Drained out dry..

亲爱的，

没有眼泪并不代表爱很浅，痛很少。
只是偶尔麻木到忘了如何去哭。
不妨找个地方一个人躲一躲。
因为我知道，最惨痛的伤口总是难以示人。
我也知道，其实你只可以一个人扛。
就让他的世界，你的世界，从此一分为二。

我和你数到三，就一起放手好吗？

actions have consequences

2009-05-26T03:49:00.002+08:00

i have been trying and trying
to fight out this battle in my head
i dont know who is winning
its tedious to believe in what i feel
what i had felt before
over and over and over
stuck in a maze and i couldnt get out
so i dug a hole as deep as i could
and buried myself

我没错，不要再逼我。

losing my nook

2009-05-25T04:17:00.003+08:00

its warmer now, this place, this world.. it doesnt really matter. my heart still shivers, being unable to say what i need to say. so instead, i just memorize it and froze. little bedtime stories i tell myself at the end of the day. so i be able to sleep. so i be able to live with myself. he said i only speak to him when i feel like, and im beginning to wonder if he was right..

好想抓住一点什么，但还是空手而回。

made in india

2009-05-20T02:09:00.004+08:00

原来这个世界很小，原来这个世界很大，都在这些偶然里。