missing

在你离开我的世界后，

我独自一点一点的编织着你这十二年所留下的爱与震撼。

希望哪天能寄到你身边，让你也能感受到，

我用一辈子来念着你。

my hero

my voice was filled with tears, "lolo? are you really here?" i walk towards him as he did the same and i could feel the sadness in his eyes as if they were saying, "no. but i wish i could be.." i hugged him and i woke up.

exactly a month. i kind of cant believe im still talking about this. grief is a weird thing.

im know im feeling better already. just that sometimes i get overwhelmed with emptiness that only lolo could fill and those days are harder than others. anyway, most of the time im fine, im not sitting around grieving all the time, i do things, i laugh at silly people and their jokes, i dont cry 90% daily anymore but then it sneaks up on me and im not okay. it always starts off as remembering good times, but its really hard to avoid the heartache. maybe because i kept all his stuffs with me, although extremely painful to look at, i cant bring myself to dispose them. not yet.

lolo spent 12 years at my side. he was always right there beside me, at home and in the bedroom and in the car and always outside the bathroom waiting, while i shower. no matter what happened, he was right there, devoted to me. i just know, if i were to one day walked straight into hell, lolo would have been right there beside, braving hell fire with me.

words i still wish he hears..

baby boy, you could not have known as much, but i gave you everything with my heart, it was the hardest decision i ever made and when you left, you took me with you, and i can never get it back. i feel guilty for every time over the past 12 years where i was busy with nothing important and would tell you "go sleep lolo" instead of stopping what i was doing and loving you more. i feel like i let you down, and i cannot forgive myself. i can only hope there is really a rainbow bridge and you are happy. wait for me..

you will forever be a hero. my only hero.

以为捂住耳，就可以听不到所有的烦恼。

一个笑话

hey joker,

the luxury of wanting to live the kind of life i have, will become your burden.
lie more and everything else will become your punishment.
im standing here long enough to notice what you will be losing.
your future, all i can see, disastrous.
he has no space for you, there will be no you plus him.
dont hate me because im right.
even if the truth hurts, its still the truth and thats way better than all your lies.
there, i said it. out loud.
but dont we all know that anyway?

so if you dont mind, please see yourself out.
from my blog and from our lives.

bye.

poke belly

you make my stomach turn.