august babies

older and older..
arghhh i need to find myself, i need to find myself, i need to find myself.. before i forget.

suffocating

tell me paradoxi.

when will it be a good time for me.

to breathe..

lotta leaves home

在她的博客，见到一段刻骨铭心的回忆，都不知是要帮她将它破碎，还是陪着她延续这份收藏。
虽然现实终归是现实，我却和她一样，只是一厢情愿地生活在自己的梦里。有些游戏早已结束，可我们却沉浸在梦里迟迟未醒。不想放弃，可却好像真的别无选择。原来，独自悲伤也可以有人陪。。

什么都看不见

i didnt tell her those things.
i didnt want to acknowledge them myself.
how do you let yourself know that you were given the chance and you froze?
how do you make yourself wait for the next perfect moment?
how do you even keep the hope that another moment will come?
so, i just told her lets believe in fate and left it at that.

也许开始就是个错误。

时间没有等我

from rick, a cd collection of old english songs in a hand made paper gift bag, an early reminder of me being another year older very soon! rawr..

are we done tiptoeing?

D.E.X.T.E.R

“Nothing stays buried forever; not feelings, not secrets…”

my favorite serial killer, dexter the emotionless psychopath who takes on the form of a hero. the kind i wont mind having as a boyfriend in reality. oh now am sure, when you are willing to die no one can make you do anything any more...

boyfriend, will you kill for me?

now, is only what is

把不开心放在心的最底处，一个没有其他人可以去的地方。
只要学会放在那里，你就会天下无敌。

shields down to 7% and dropping

没有了激情的爱情，
从火热慢慢走向平淡，
最终只剩下一种戒不掉的习惯。
明知不可爱却爱深了，
是不是就等于是飞蛾扑火？
情人，知已。
这条界限到底应该划在哪里？

心打烊了

dont try to talk to her with such anguish in your words.
dont try to touch her pretending everything is fine.
and dont you dare tell her you are sorry..

too late.

shes already gone.

在哪

what a place for one to find..
and where the hell is my nook?!

my love

我的狗狗已经不像以前一样蹦蹦跳跳了。
他已经老了。他真的老了。
只能希望他若觉得在我身边很幸福，
他会健健康康的再多陪我几十年好吗？

The average dog has one request to all humankind. Love me.
~ Helen Exley

goodbye brav… goodbye.

ghost and him

看着你，
就能看穿你。
我是如此的聪明，
谎言又如何能骗得过我。

不可能。

口中的脆弱

our silence
drives me crazy because its so deafening.
makes me angry because none of us got nothing to say.
and we glare into space because we have no where else to look.
its numbing how we cant feel each other.
yet it hits so hard i could scream.
but i cant because theres nothing to scream about.
wish i could talk to you, but i got nothing to say really..

爱情真的离我们好远好远。

梦越是甜越伤人

我选择了回到梦里去。
去到了一个根本不应该存在的世界。

her dreams, my dreams, it doesnt matter. we are still dreaming..

yet, i have nothing but empty words that tried to make sense to us here. i never knew what hurts more, losing someone or knowing we had nothing left to keep us together except for the fear of being alone. so, sometimes we wander away into our dreams for awhile so it hurts that much more when we come back. or it feels more intense and alive. it feels beautiful even though we knew, if we dream long enough it will all be over... all of it.

is it a secret if everyone knows but nobody talks about it?

our coma

whatever i said apparently isn't enough..

关心彼此，爱着彼此
然而最终选择的
却是一次次的伤害
没了浪漫
没了柔情
没了温暖
没了感动
没了心疼
没了谅解

都没了

以为他会懂

again it ends the same way
only to start over
five days later
two months later
again ending the same way
he waited for so long, too long
he forgot what it was he was waiting for
the rope was not long enough
two more inches
just two more inches

“It’s easy to find fault in someone when you are looking for something wrong, but it is difficult to accept their goodness when you have already made up your mind that they are bad.”

t.a.g.g.e.d

Do you believe time heals?
it always heals. thats true. but its usually never better.

Are you living your expectations?
not quite what i expected it to be. i dont have a problem saying it. i just dont like admitting it.

Do you regret often?
am not sure if anyone can really say that they lived a life without regret. there are always things that i do that i look back upon and shake my head, too often.

Do you forgive and forget?
there are people that i am able to forgive, almost no matter what. and some others i find not only extremely difficult, but almost impossible to forgive and forget.

Do you judge people around you?
i sometimes judge harshly, pin down every mistake and rub it in their faces. and i dont know why i do that. i really dont.

Are you a pessimist?
is being pessimist a totally bad thing? i think not. i can manage.

Are you depressed most of the time?
i would rather be happy than be depressed. but then again, who among us really is?

If you had gambled and lost, would you gamble again?
i gamble it all on him if i had anything at all left to wager. but i got no chips left in my hand..

Do you hate someone now?
i dont know if i hate someone. or rather, if i hate myself. both probably. for different reasons.

Do you want to live or die?
i had spent most of my life living to die. counting days. now im dying to live, still counting days. but everyday i see less and less difference between the two.

If you died rght now, how would you feel about your life?
i ..........................

karma and tears

until im gone, you will miss me
after im gone, you will love me
and you will love me like you ought to
but, i would be long gone by then

要么拥抱，要么离开。

prometheus curse

do we really go into the light and cross over into heaven or wherever after we die?

i used to think heaven was a place where the clouds were made of cotton candy and i sat on them. now, i neither understand nor deserve. what is heaven? well, what is the human soul? if its only death. what is there to be afraid of? heaven is so over rated and for sale, same as everything else..

不欠，不掂

she said:
I haven't shed a single tear about it anymore.
Has my tears dried up since then?
Drained out dry..

亲爱的，

没有眼泪并不代表爱很浅，痛很少。
只是偶尔麻木到忘了如何去哭。
不妨找个地方一个人躲一躲。
因为我知道，最惨痛的伤口总是难以示人。
我也知道，其实你只可以一个人扛。
就让他的世界，你的世界，从此一分为二。

我和你数到三，就一起放手好吗？

actions have consequences

i have been trying and trying
to fight out this battle in my head
i dont know who is winning
its tedious to believe in what i feel
what i had felt before
over and over and over
stuck in a maze and i couldnt get out
so i dug a hole as deep as i could
and buried myself

我没错，不要再逼我。

losing my nook

its warmer now, this place, this world.. it doesnt really matter. my heart still shivers, being unable to say what i need to say. so instead, i just memorize it and froze. little bedtime stories i tell myself at the end of the day. so i be able to sleep. so i be able to live with myself. he said i only speak to him when i feel like, and im beginning to wonder if he was right..

好想抓住一点什么，但还是空手而回。

made in india

原来这个世界很小，原来这个世界很大，都在这些偶然里。

when will enough be enough?

so much bullshit. so much bullshit.
SO MUCH BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so angry. i need a stronger word for what im feeling since evening. anger isnt it. more like sad and confused. is like there is this incredible mixture of love and hatred for her and i cant articulate exactly why. too often i had to chew through her stupid attitude, but now things are going to be markedly different between us. yeah whatever. its never finished, and never heals.

me? what about YOU?
fate made you my sister, but we might as well be strangers. so go ahead. drink from my veins a little longer. i havent got much left..

the spells we cast

so many of us have lost that sense of kindness. we often look around and remain untouched by the beauty around us, in humanity, in people. thats sad. kindness is so rare these days, people often dont know what to do when they encounter it, wasting that precious few seconds reserved for a smile or thanks by trying to glance around for a motive. how strange.

so, thank you dan, you have been very kind.

时间，到了。

If there is one decision in the past you can change, which one would it be? And if you can really change that point in life, would you? - Quoted by mojave

sometimes i wish i could
sometimes i wish he would
sometimes..
just sometimes
i should just let it go
i should just let a lot of things go
and each time i say i cant
i actually can
but maybe i never wanted to
i have to have something to look forward to
its taking way too long to heal

太多如果

人总爱说如果。

如果我早一点如何如何。。
如果我先这样那样。。
如果当初我能这般那般。。

如果真的可以如果，是不是现在就不会是这样的真实。
也许，上天早已安排了一切。
就连如果，也是我们生活中上天安排给我们的遗憾。
似乎，正因为有了这些遗憾，才能弥补我们脆弱的心灵空洞。
如果懂得将这全部的如果埋藏在心底，成为自己永远不会知道的秘密，
心或许可以慢慢的静下来，所谓的如果也就变得不再重要了。

do you realize that ‘if only’ makes you cry?

不见了

you were mine
you were there
always there
now you are gone
gone forever
disappeared
lost forever

so sad

有一天，也许有一天，你会回来的，对吗?

b.l.a.n.k

why we keep pretending long after we should have stopped.
you are still here, with or without a reason, only because i let you be.
my fault, i guess you could say. i couldnt let us go.
“you dont exist”
maybe if i say that enough, you and everything else will disappear..

至少我曾为你哭过

“I wanted to date you to my secret hiding place. You would go if I asked you to, I knew that. But I realized I did not want to see you staring into space and wishing that you were somewhere else.” ~ Jodi Picoult (Mercy)

together you once said to me. together is something that the two of us will never be, even if we were to stand close to each other, doing the exact same thing. our together doesnt have allowance for a happy ending. it doesnt have an ending.

简.简.单.单.的.幸.福

我似看见，
生病时无微不至的关怀，
受伤时悉心照料的安慰，
至亲背后无私的支持，
犯错时怜爱的轻骂，
一切尽在其中，不言而喻。

相信这份纯真。
相信它的简简单单。
只希望你幸福。
这样就够了，真的够了。

舍不得舍不得舍不得

you are here
you always have been
it doesnt matter how distant you are
and for all the wrong reasons
im still here
as i gradually dismantled the love ive created myself in
we will say goodbye
and that was all
there wasnt much to say

因为亲近所以能够伤害。不是吗？

tu me manques

又下雨了。这雨已经断断续续下了一整天。坐在电脑前偷偷地发呆，听着窗外的滴答声，呼吸着类似泪水掺杂的空气，是那么的舒适。总是喜欢在雨天追寻早已失去的美丽，习惯在滴答声中回忆着过去。给自己平添一些伤感，好像在雨中的伤感更让人觉得安全。因为，把心沉入雨中的忧伤能让人触摸到生命的本质。或许只有这样，我才能感觉到自己是存在的。。雨还在下，似乎越来越大，惦记你的思绪却难以收拢。雨天那依依不舍的思念，透着泥土的味道，你闻到了吗?

creeps in

“I was never more alone than when you were inside me. Filled with an emptiness so profound. That you could be inside my very skin and still I couldn't touch you at all…”

aw i know that.
looking someone in the eye and knowing they dont see you.
fucking someone all over while knowing he dont love you.
exactly like the more we worship love, the better we understand loneliness.
and no matter how much more we wore, it is still terribly cold.
too eager chewing on leftovers, we choked.

still cold

okay not the best i have ever read and im unsure if i plan on reading along with the rest of the series. still, twilight strangely reminded me that i was once in love with a vampire, or at least that was what i dreamt. i want to be a vampire, so just fucking bite me i would tell him. but sparkling vampires, i just cant handle that.

09年2月第5天

你还好吗？

borrowed love

what an amusing game this is
hurting each other
now looking back
i might have understood
had i only believed less

i want you to be be happy
happier without me
the only thing worthy of my agony
is your happiness

慢动作

坐车，是发呆的最好时机。
靠着窗，头微微侧着，看窗外不断倒退的景象，思绪万千。
想着以前的事与愿违，心难免有点失落，有点隐隐作痛。
那种曾经的感觉，是我寻找了一大堆牵强的理由想把它留下的，
却发现它早已渐渐消逝，早已演变成一种自然的告别与放弃。
虽然明白我的坚持和执着不会让所有的一切都随着停留。
却还是习惯一个人冷眼看从前，实际不实际的，往事沥沥在目。
也许我早已心甘情愿把自己留在已失去的回忆里。

结束了

被通知梦想破灭有好些日子了，还是无法释怀。

因为有着属于自己快成真的梦想，
因为有着那一份无限的期盼，
我一直很努力的撑下去。

辛苦筹备了大半年，最终还是来不及开始便画了句号。
经过了这么久的反反复复，我的伤感一发不可收拾地存在着。
我无法掩饰那发自内心的绝望。还有那拖着走的遗憾与内疚。
仿佛感觉不到一点活着的气息。唉。。

秋，对不起，我没有办法。真的很抱歉。

remains

here for his latest.

i love the way he write about loneliness like its some kind of god. it feels like he wants to save us from the tragedies. it does, but never for long enough. or maybe we dont need a heart, almost nothing left to love with. feign that it doesnt hurt. why was it so hard..

夜无语，雨无宿
红尘舞，千层埃
藏埋憾，泪无缺
彼岸花，待轮回

i knew i vowed to be stronger and look after myself. but i know i probably wont.

09年1月第5天

很想你，你是否知道？

fragile strength

08年

一晃就过了
几乎没有能留下点什么
翻看了以前写的东西
曾经以为很重要的
以为很放不下的
现在回头看看
原来那么轻易的就走过
结束了
放下了

09年

要保护自己
有尊严的过着我想要的生活
要告诫自己
从此不会再为谁痛心

万千宠爱

this christmas we had a nice yummy dinner and hung out. we dont get to see each other often and it was nice to catch up with everyone, especially with jan when shes not wailing that much. we also had a good time telling old stories for the 1,999,99 time and spent a lot of time laughing at the silly things we used to do. all in all, it was truly an awesome evening for me.

jan is 6 months old now and growing fast. seeing her responded and smile for real when we tried to get her attention, she made it so easy for us to love her. i actually had moments where i started to think about her growing older. what kind of teenager she will be? who will she date? who will be her friends? who will hurt her for the first time? how good of a student will she be? how will she dress? how much will she love us? will she ever appreciate how hard her parents work to provide the best life possible for her? will she ever understand how deeply her godmas love her? but in the midst of all those questions, i know that she has an incredible mummy who will raise her wonderfully..

如此空白

she was a sad girl
the world is big but she cant hear them
hate that smile from the corner of her lips
the kind that makes her feel like crying

快要撑不下去了。。

its dusty in here..

与诗之间

萍水相逢本无根

何去何从君莫问

宵寒梦短露水恩

一朝惊醒伤别恨

今生难圆鸳鸯锦

来世再续雁双飞

爱情有时候就是这样，相遇了是缘，散了也算是缘，只是浅了好多。
说真的，如果爱情是两个人永不停止的纠缠，生生相息。
那么，若是没有今生，我也不要什么来世。

his whispers

there is nothing he can do for me. just like there is nothing i could do for him. not with all that distance between us. we alway dance around our words, never singing the tunes we know to be true or too true. im a jaded person, i admit. not many things impress me anymore. yet, he never fails to amaze me with his poetry, how he has taken the things that hurt and turned them into art. i bet he knew we cant change our ghosts.

let me stay
in this darkness
sheltered in shadows

fill me with sadness
a tinge of melancholy
a touch of loneliness

don't arouse me
let this be
strange & unfamiliar

i'm not like everyone
don't make me be
for i never will

love my tainted soul
beautiful sins
adore me now

so let it go
all that you know
then can you embrace me

by Liquidfire

shireen & angela

you said that as long as i promised that i would never let go, its okay to mess up, its okay to feel like crap, its okay even if all i do was my infamous disappearing acts. and you said that if we held onto each other, i could beat whatever that come between, in front or behind me. somewhere between all that changing and growing older, between the many phone calls of *secret planning* and *whats the plan today*, there still lived a girl who believed in that.

hAPpY BiRthDaY

evaporates

综艺大哥大里的魔术表演显然很精彩，但我依然感觉空荡荡的。总觉得闷闷的，好无聊。好想能像魔术师手中的那只鸽子一样永远消失在帽子里。再不然，如果可以把我变到一个没人认识的地方，找个陌生人好好爱一场，那会不会更精彩？心情遭透了，却说不准为什么。突然很想有个人抱抱我，让我有个可以依靠的肩膀。但我知道，根本没有人有这份力量。闷。

一场姗姗来迟的邂逅

看着干妈疲惫的双眼，
我却只有一句节哀顺便。
面对逝去的，语言显然是无力的。

我不由自主地一直在想，
人的一辈子匆匆忙忙了几十载，
真正能留下的会是什么。
唯一能带走的会不会只剩遗憾。

虽然我不曾认识我的干婆婆。
她也不会晓得我是谁。
唯有内心默默的祝福，
希望她黄泉路上走好。

向前走

it was my last day at work yesterday!!

i did what i must because every second of it made me smile. maybe my decision was rash and confusing to many others but to me, i just felt the time was right to move on. all the omens were right, maybe the stars were in place too or whatever else you believe in. oka, no complex reason. ha. cuddles&puddles itself is a damn good one! in my heart i knew after all the smoke clears and the dust settles, i will be a happier person for having gone through with it.

silly silly s.m.s.e.s by mr current boss

stupid boss – Have you put up the order for the blue tubes for tkl?
me – Jus now I check wif Felicia to cfm for qty. she say will lemme noe again.

stupid boss – I sms you long time ago to put in the order right?
me – No stock how to place. KC jus told me stock in so I ask Felicia on qty tis morning.

stupid boss – You very cute, stk came in last month and I sms you to put order and now you want to argue no stk how to order?

i is simply cannot be bothered to reply and ignored his calls and went home.

have i ever mention how much i hate sitting in those waiting areas in the hospitals and clinics? and it doesnt help at all that my work place sucks. its full of people. so many i could do without. there aint really piles and piles of things. but there is enough for me to feel like it is on the verge of becoming unmanageable, especially by having silly colleagues around. i have very little patience with the stupid. i know.. i know, im not always the brightest, so maybe i ought to be more considerate. but guess what? im not. i cant deal with stupid people. i was definitely entertained in some days, but seeing how my immediate boss behaves weirdly. im pretty turned off by him many times. i didnt choose to stick those “i cant stand his face anymore” in my mind with glue. they just grew and grew and grew.. RAWR…

i fucking hate my job.

赤裸裸的回避

^GTfist says: u know?
inoka says: noe wat?
^GTfist says: its a small world out there.
inoka says: uh..
^GTfist says: empty small world.
inoka says: yeah i noe
^GTfist: so tired. so tired of trying to reach u.
inoka says: ..
inoka says: boo..
^GTfist says: i miss you..
inoka says: how can you miss me?
inoka says: when im rite here..
^GTfist says: but you are not here. you never are.
inoka says: ..
^GTfist says: quit your .... u can do better than that.
inoka says: ....

its a cruel small world. and hasnt it always been this way? believe or not, its shrinking alot faster than you think. you find that im harder to reach these days. dont know ever since when i realised that reaching me goes nowhere. i rather be gone but im still there listening. listening to the phone ring. unsure if i should answer. i never answer the phone anymore unless im certain its something i want to hear. and i know it never is.

sorry..

她的祭日

两年前的昨天，她走了，永远地离开了这个纷繁复杂的世界。

时间渐渐消逝，一转眼又到了她的祭日。两年前的那幕送别，始终清晰的萦绕在我的脑海里，凄楚的烙印在我的心灵。虽然非亲非故，但一个让我敬佩的长辈的离开，心里总是不由自主的涌起一阵阵心酸。我想很多时候，我们都只来得及遗憾却无法挽留。而我也只能一直在角落里，去希望她在另一个世界幸福的生活，希望她不会把我忘记。虽已不能相见，但每年这平常而特殊的日子，无论我身在哪里，我都会深深地把她想起，默默的哀悼。

almost

it never had to hurt
a jagged razor
never did the trick
big mistake

放手只因

我心已死

独角亲情戏

因为太在乎，
所以让自己过得非常疲倦。
于其说疲倦，倒不如说厌倦。
所以我宁愿一个人生活，
一个人轰轰烈烈的接受事实，
一个人看潮起潮落，
一个人去过最艰难的这关。
也不要她平平淡淡的以我为耻。

今天只想说这些。

不再兑现

you tell lies as if i was deaf
i hear them anyway
i was too naive assuming you will come clean
all these time of allowing you to disappoint me
didnt you notice i have changed
oka maybe you win
i cant fight you any longer
i had been trying and trying to pretend
but it has become apparent that i cant fucking do it
so

i quit

4.32 am 的长途电话

他说那边正在下雨。还说除了我喜欢的雨天，一切都很美。是的，也许一切都很美，也许生活真的很美，我只是没有感觉到而已。跟他聊了些有的没的，说起十年前的我们，好遥远，却觉得那个时候好幸福。本以为这只是个单纯的问候来电，他竟说，这些年虽然断了联系，只要触碰到某个与我有关的细节，还是依然无法放下思念。只因，我曾是他心中的最爱。现在好不容易又见面了，不知还有没有机会重来。我沉默了。他突如其来的坦白让我措手不及。是不是只要当初我没迈出离开那一步，我们就能相安无事，就能幸福。

never was

信任：是指相信而敢于托付。

Yvonne says: i was thinking about this....
Yvonne says: does it feel more hurt to have someone u truly love betray you
Yvonne says: or feel worse to have someone whom you dun love a lot, but u trusted wholeheartedly to betray you

选择欺骗的那个，背后一定有一个动人的故事。至于故事的内容，对被骗的那个已经不再重要。不知是否因为过去的打击太大，现在相信一个人都不会久。为何我不能像当初那样。为何自己会变得这么无法信任。无论如何，信任会令人容易受伤。所剩下的信念已寥寥无几，真的好可怕。我一直在想，一个什么样的人，才值得信任？信任一个人，到底需要多久的时间？不明白不明白。或许我已经丧失了信人的能力，只是现在才发现。

仅有的那点恋恋不舍

“I forget how much I loved her. How deep it was, how completely devouring it was to be so head over heels, totally and unconditionally in love with her. If I ever get to the point of falling in love again, I will draw her portraits, so that there will always be proof of her worth to me, for her to hold.”

appear OFFLINE

别再问我为何喜欢如此。
没有什么特别的理由。
隐形，只是我恋上的一个习惯。
喜欢有一种把自己丢了的感觉来隐形。
喜欢把自己放在一个安静的角落来隐形。
没有故事，没有解释。
也许我一直都在，只是你看不见。

its okay if you hate me. i can deal with it.
or at least i imagine i could.

魔

† L'ange Sans Ailes † says: do u believe in demons?

Inoká says: yes
Inoká says: and they only come to u when its dark and alone.

there was something in the silence between his words that made me stop and stare at that darkness we both knew so well. it was more than a little shocking to see those words typed out loud even i do know that demons are always lurking in the dark watching us, waiting for us to succumb and let them in. and i believed if we look in the darkness and not through them, we would see forever..

Don't part with your illusions.
When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. ~ Mark Twain

悄悄离了

她：不知道他对我的爱会不会随着时间而消失？

虽然不必猜，我也不知道该怎么回答。因为时间的确可以让爱慢慢走向淡漠，乃至消失。我已经不问会爱多久。因为我发现地久天长只是童话的笑话，现实世界根本没有海誓山盟的爱情。瞬间海枯石烂的话谁都会说，听在心里的会记一辈子，说的那个可能早已忘得一干二净。

最重要的男人

as a child i have this idea that my parents, especially my dad, knows how everything is done. i always had this idea that no matter what happened he knew what to do. it wasnt until i got much older that i realised he did not know everything, he just had to do everything to protect and raise his kids.

today i dedicate this post to my daddy, someone who is kind, gentle and very thoughtful. someone who is my source of strength, someone i love very dearly. HAPPY BIRTHDAY daddy!

共婵娟

真的好想
摘下夜空里的月亮
小心翼翼把它折起
安慰忧伤的心

可我不能

所以有一天我死了
我定要飞奔那月宫
化成来世的眼睛
目睹嫦娥奔月的孤单

—样的消失

the medicine is not making me any better and some nights im so tired i seriously wonder if im dead, which i guess is why i have been thinking about the dead a lot more lately. on how they must had felt, the terror and regret of accepting they were mortal. that they will be gone for eternity and others will go on without them. today i was awake fondling my thoughts on trying to remember what a dead relative or friend sounded like. im not trying to find, only attempting to prove that they still lives in my heart. but, i cant quite remember their voice at all. perhaps its better that way. erm what if im going to die tomorrow, will you remember mine?

就算死，我也会牵着你的手。

就算错了

有没有人曾经告诉你，爱着时，女人总会说一些狠话，一些过份的话。因为，她不知道那个男人爱得深浅。所以，她就赌，赌她的那个男人能承受的极限。说穿了，是想赌那个男人爱自己的极限。其实，我好像也在赌。赌我的他能容忍我多少？赌他对我的爱有多深。其实只是想要试探他有多不能没有我而已。我不是不知道，如果赌赢了，我也许就能拥有幸福。如果赌输了，我就一定得到无限的痛苦。就算如此，我还是愿意去赌。因为我要知道他的爱，清清楚楚的知道。

为此，我为自己的愚蠢输得彻底。

自己活该

不晓得从多久以前，
我开始把自己小心的保护起来。
所有的悲伤都选择一个人扛，
直到自己崩溃，直到自己也无能为力。

今天，我放弃学会已久的隐藏。
今天，我卸下了虚伪的微笑。
今天，我摆出一张疲倦的脸。
今天，我狠狠的放声哭泣。

我想，我是真的累了。
我想，我该试着寻找出路。

从此，我愿只是个游戏人间的戏子。

jaded

i feel so sick today and slept thru mostly. yet i was forced to wake blindly at wee hours, struggling to complete my key accounts management report which is due tomorrow morning. its almost 3am now and im not even close to being done. gosh. how much more can i do this?! surrender seems to be the best option. think im going back to bed..


dumb dumb report

“The brave men that stayed and fought had to be very skilled so they could live to fight another day, or else they died.”

one day, i will meet you here

had someone really spoken to me way before about the ways in which good lifestyle habits could make aging go away i would have most likely paid closer attention, or maybe not. as much as i hate to admit to myself, i guess age is catching up with me. with bruises and muscle issues that do not heal over night the way that they used to, looking in the mirror and see that i am not who i used to be. i look different, feels different.. actually, none of this really matters much, only occasionally i feel like pieces of me are being taken away and no matter how hard i try, i cannot prevent this! tragic, just tragic. what else can i say.. boo!

soul & ashes

close your eyes and dream with me in this unexpected rainy season, that may be the closest you ever get. this kind of rain, i do not mind. as only when the rain stop, the cage will be gone with enchantment left to know how intentionally broken we are at times before we allow ourselves to forget ourselves. so now, we live happily ever after...

stay with me
broken pieces jumbled
together in search for chaotic bliss

paint with me
pictures of past lovers
let our beautiful souls fly free

dance with me
into the shadow of mortality
forgetting together our sanity

kill with me
steal my breath counting rainbows
in ecstasy among the living dead

thanks for remembering my birthday. if angels forget you, did you really exist? what if years later, you buys a mirror and tries to nurse your battered soul and loving yourself more only to discover that you doesnt exist?

愁更愁

she missed talking to him. she wants to talk to him, but she dont have the slightest idea what they would have to say. she knows she could stop if she wanted to. drunken nights, her perfect excuse for missing him, is nothing unfamiliar with for her. she used to do it on purpose. she drank until it was empty, she drank until she was empty. sighz. maybe self destruction is so much more appealing then simply being destroyed.

有时候，醉与不醉，只有自己知道。

soul speaks

Tear it down,
Your fake honesty
Take it away,
Your idle hypocrisy

Stop it now,
Your pretty lies
Shatter it all,
Your empty promises

Let me be,
A disappointed slumber
Let me be,
My imperfect dreams

by l’ange sans ailes

unable to look away, unable to speak. silently, i read his latest work, again and again..

it was what he wrote. where i was staring from here. something far away from here that he understood. a great notion. then, it was gone. i drifted. he drifted. we drifted.. nothing we say or write will make disappointment go away. we just need to realise that before it break our souls apart unknowingly.

s.w.o.o.s.h.i.n.g expectations

its been raining for many days, on and off, outside and inside. everything before and after my birthday is saturated and heavy. i dont really feel at home with myself these days. sort of like im not really me. everything i knew had carried me this far. the truth drifting in and out, and in and out like whispers i must pretend i do not hear. so lonely this way. im not complaining. im just stating. i seem to expect people to disappoint me. its my natural tendency. disappointment is what i was prepared for. it truly is an affliction. one that i can never cure. or rather im not even remotely sure i would want to cure.

realising, it doesnt really matter, does it?