blessed

it was just the other day when i spent my birthday with four of the most amazing girls ive ever known. they have been around since i cant remember when, but then again, time stands still when im with them. girls that drives me crazy most of the time… girls who will drop everything and tack hours onto a birthday surprise, to see me, to assure me that im not alone.

i knew they love me unconditionally, which seems to be all i need. thats why ive been blessed to spend my birthday with them so many times, and today i can honestly say im a happier girl because of them.

we are such crazy bunch, i know. not even the mess the noob waitress did could take away our happy mood. we sat there, five friends of many years, sipped our horrible teas and tasteless ice chocolates, talked about life and love and silly moments, until it was time to go.

looking down, i knew i have had the most amazing memories with these girls and i hope that i will continue to keep on forming memories. when i find myself fading and giving up, i be able to close my eyes and realize they are my healing energy.

so hey you ladies, thank you for understanding the give and take of our friendship and knowing, somehow instinctively, when i had nothing left to give. thank you for encouraging me to do what is good for me and for helping me to see that it is not selfish to take all the time in the world to heal, or to cry during super vulnerable times. thank you for unhesitatingly enduring my silly mafan-ness at all times. and thank you so very much for every moment we have spent together.. i love you all!

our shadows

be still and listen, my angel.

phoenix rises from the ashes,

blistered wings searching for frail lovers.

soon we will see whispering shadows,

squashed to the ground.

over and over..

fallen, you are never alone.

august babies

older and older..
arghhh i need to find myself, i need to find myself, i need to find myself.. before i forget.

suffocating

tell me paradoxi.

when will it be a good time for me.

to breathe..

lotta leaves home

在她的博客，见到一段刻骨铭心的回忆，都不知是要帮她将它破碎，还是陪着她延续这份收藏。
虽然现实终归是现实，我却和她一样，只是一厢情愿地生活在自己的梦里。有些游戏早已结束，可我们却沉浸在梦里迟迟未醒。不想放弃，可却好像真的别无选择。原来，独自悲伤也可以有人陪。。

什么都看不见

i didnt tell her those things.
i didnt want to acknowledge them myself.
how do you let yourself know that you were given the chance and you froze?
how do you make yourself wait for the next perfect moment?
how do you even keep the hope that another moment will come?
so, i just told her lets believe in fate and left it at that.

也许开始就是个错误。

时间没有等我

from rick, a cd collection of old english songs in a hand made paper gift bag, an early reminder of me being another year older very soon! rawr..

are we done tiptoeing?

D.E.X.T.E.R

“Nothing stays buried forever; not feelings, not secrets…”

my favorite serial killer, dexter the emotionless psychopath who takes on the form of a hero. the kind i wont mind having as a boyfriend in reality. oh now am sure, when you are willing to die no one can make you do anything any more...

boyfriend, will you kill for me?

now, is only what is

把不开心放在心的最底处，一个没有其他人可以去的地方。
只要学会放在那里，你就会天下无敌。

shields down to 7% and dropping

没有了激情的爱情，
从火热慢慢走向平淡，
最终只剩下一种戒不掉的习惯。
明知不可爱却爱深了，
是不是就等于是飞蛾扑火？
情人，知已。
这条界限到底应该划在哪里？

心打烊了

dont try to talk to her with such anguish in your words.
dont try to touch her pretending everything is fine.
and dont you dare tell her you are sorry..

too late.

shes already gone.

在哪

what a place for one to find..
and where the hell is my nook?!

my love

我的狗狗已经不像以前一样蹦蹦跳跳了。
他已经老了。他真的老了。
只能希望他若觉得在我身边很幸福，
他会健健康康的再多陪我几十年好吗？

The average dog has one request to all humankind. Love me.
~ Helen Exley

goodbye brav… goodbye.

ghost and him

看着你，
就能看穿你。
我是如此的聪明，
谎言又如何能骗得过我。

不可能。

口中的脆弱

our silence
drives me crazy because its so deafening.
makes me angry because none of us got nothing to say.
and we glare into space because we have no where else to look.
its numbing how we cant feel each other.
yet it hits so hard i could scream.
but i cant because theres nothing to scream about.
wish i could talk to you, but i got nothing to say really..

爱情真的离我们好远好远。

梦越是甜越伤人

我选择了回到梦里去。
去到了一个根本不应该存在的世界。

her dreams, my dreams, it doesnt matter. we are still dreaming..

yet, i have nothing but empty words that tried to make sense to us here. i never knew what hurts more, losing someone or knowing we had nothing left to keep us together except for the fear of being alone. so, sometimes we wander away into our dreams for awhile so it hurts that much more when we come back. or it feels more intense and alive. it feels beautiful even though we knew, if we dream long enough it will all be over... all of it.

is it a secret if everyone knows but nobody talks about it?

our coma

whatever i said apparently isn't enough..

关心彼此，爱着彼此
然而最终选择的
却是一次次的伤害
没了浪漫
没了柔情
没了温暖
没了感动
没了心疼
没了谅解

都没了

以为他会懂

again it ends the same way
only to start over
five days later
two months later
again ending the same way
he waited for so long, too long
he forgot what it was he was waiting for
the rope was not long enough
two more inches
just two more inches

“It’s easy to find fault in someone when you are looking for something wrong, but it is difficult to accept their goodness when you have already made up your mind that they are bad.”

t.a.g.g.e.d

Do you believe time heals?
it always heals. thats true. but its usually never better.

Are you living your expectations?
not quite what i expected it to be. i dont have a problem saying it. i just dont like admitting it.

Do you regret often?
am not sure if anyone can really say that they lived a life without regret. there are always things that i do that i look back upon and shake my head, too often.

Do you forgive and forget?
there are people that i am able to forgive, almost no matter what. and some others i find not only extremely difficult, but almost impossible to forgive and forget.

Do you judge people around you?
i sometimes judge harshly, pin down every mistake and rub it in their faces. and i dont know why i do that. i really dont.

Are you a pessimist?
is being pessimist a totally bad thing? i think not. i can manage.

Are you depressed most of the time?
i would rather be happy than be depressed. but then again, who among us really is?

If you had gambled and lost, would you gamble again?
i gamble it all on him if i had anything at all left to wager. but i got no chips left in my hand..

Do you hate someone now?
i dont know if i hate someone. or rather, if i hate myself. both probably. for different reasons.

Do you want to live or die?
i had spent most of my life living to die. counting days. now im dying to live, still counting days. but everyday i see less and less difference between the two.

If you died rght now, how would you feel about your life?
i ..........................

karma and tears

until im gone, you will miss me
after im gone, you will love me
and you will love me like you ought to
but, i would be long gone by then

要么拥抱，要么离开。

prometheus curse

do we really go into the light and cross over into heaven or wherever after we die?

i used to think heaven was a place where the clouds were made of cotton candy and i sat on them. now, i neither understand nor deserve. what is heaven? well, what is the human soul? if its only death. what is there to be afraid of? heaven is so over rated and for sale, same as everything else..

不欠，不掂

she said:
I haven't shed a single tear about it anymore.
Has my tears dried up since then?
Drained out dry..

亲爱的，

没有眼泪并不代表爱很浅，痛很少。
只是偶尔麻木到忘了如何去哭。
不妨找个地方一个人躲一躲。
因为我知道，最惨痛的伤口总是难以示人。
我也知道，其实你只可以一个人扛。
就让他的世界，你的世界，从此一分为二。

我和你数到三，就一起放手好吗？

actions have consequences

i have been trying and trying
to fight out this battle in my head
i dont know who is winning
its tedious to believe in what i feel
what i had felt before
over and over and over
stuck in a maze and i couldnt get out
so i dug a hole as deep as i could
and buried myself

我没错，不要再逼我。

losing my nook

its warmer now, this place, this world.. it doesnt really matter. my heart still shivers, being unable to say what i need to say. so instead, i just memorize it and froze. little bedtime stories i tell myself at the end of the day. so i be able to sleep. so i be able to live with myself. he said i only speak to him when i feel like, and im beginning to wonder if he was right..

好想抓住一点什么，但还是空手而回。

made in india

原来这个世界很小，原来这个世界很大，都在这些偶然里。

when will enough be enough?

so much bullshit. so much bullshit.
SO MUCH BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so angry. i need a stronger word for what im feeling since evening. anger isnt it. more like sad and confused. is like there is this incredible mixture of love and hatred for her and i cant articulate exactly why. too often i had to chew through her stupid attitude, but now things are going to be markedly different between us. yeah whatever. its never finished, and never heals.

me? what about YOU?
fate made you my sister, but we might as well be strangers. so go ahead. drink from my veins a little longer. i havent got much left..

the spells we cast

so many of us have lost that sense of kindness. we often look around and remain untouched by the beauty around us, in humanity, in people. thats sad. kindness is so rare these days, people often dont know what to do when they encounter it, wasting that precious few seconds reserved for a smile or thanks by trying to glance around for a motive. how strange.

so, thank you dan, you have been very kind.

时间，到了。

If there is one decision in the past you can change, which one would it be? And if you can really change that point in life, would you? - Quoted by mojave

sometimes i wish i could
sometimes i wish he would
sometimes..
just sometimes
i should just let it go
i should just let a lot of things go
and each time i say i cant
i actually can
but maybe i never wanted to
i have to have something to look forward to
its taking way too long to heal

太多如果

人总爱说如果。

如果我早一点如何如何。。
如果我先这样那样。。
如果当初我能这般那般。。

如果真的可以如果，是不是现在就不会是这样的真实。
也许，上天早已安排了一切。
就连如果，也是我们生活中上天安排给我们的遗憾。
似乎，正因为有了这些遗憾，才能弥补我们脆弱的心灵空洞。
如果懂得将这全部的如果埋藏在心底，成为自己永远不会知道的秘密，
心或许可以慢慢的静下来，所谓的如果也就变得不再重要了。

do you realize that ‘if only’ makes you cry?

不见了

you were mine
you were there
always there
now you are gone
gone forever
disappeared
lost forever

so sad

有一天，也许有一天，你会回来的，对吗?

b.l.a.n.k

why we keep pretending long after we should have stopped.
you are still here, with or without a reason, only because i let you be.
my fault, i guess you could say. i couldnt let us go.
“you dont exist”
maybe if i say that enough, you and everything else will disappear..

至少我曾为你哭过

“I wanted to date you to my secret hiding place. You would go if I asked you to, I knew that. But I realized I did not want to see you staring into space and wishing that you were somewhere else.” ~ Jodi Picoult (Mercy)

together you once said to me. together is something that the two of us will never be, even if we were to stand close to each other, doing the exact same thing. our together doesnt have allowance for a happy ending. it doesnt have an ending.

简.简.单.单.的.幸.福

我似看见，
生病时无微不至的关怀，
受伤时悉心照料的安慰，
至亲背后无私的支持，
犯错时怜爱的轻骂，
一切尽在其中，不言而喻。

相信这份纯真。
相信它的简简单单。
只希望你幸福。
这样就够了，真的够了。

舍不得舍不得舍不得

you are here
you always have been
it doesnt matter how distant you are
and for all the wrong reasons
im still here
as i gradually dismantled the love ive created myself in
we will say goodbye
and that was all
there wasnt much to say

因为亲近所以能够伤害。不是吗？