her heart

i was browsin thru those old pics i took long ago
n saw tis heart frm a melon.
to think even fruits had love in em..
haiz, wat abt mine?

忘了要忘

[他]
不知何时 跟着逆风玩了去
跑得太远 远得我以经看不见

[瘾]
我总是孤独的想着
体会着想着的孤独

[忘]
这空档档的四房室
只剩回忆
那忘了多久一个人睡
的双人床
像默默的默默的等着
结束的到来

[心]
它总是那么的脆弱
脆弱得 一触就痛

心好痛。

我终于明白。。

没有人是故意要变心的。
爱你的时候是真的掏了心的去爱你，
不爱你的时候也是真的不爱你了。
爱你的时候没有办法假装不爱你，
我想同样的，
不再爱你的时候也没办法假装爱你了。

不见了的爱，是真的找不回来的。

不一定是100% 爱着才能在一起，
不一定是100%不爱了才会选择离开。

即然比此之间有了决定，希望不会带来遗憾。

单枪匹马

在慢慢习惯了孤独的时候，
我好像已爱上了孤独。
不经意发现在我的骨子里，
言行举止里，都有着它的踪影。
想挥也挥不去。。
想悄悄的逃離，卻始終抽不離.
是我留著它，還是它留著我？

for whom the bells tolls..

今天又有朋友告诉我她要当新娘了。。



xxx: jac!!
inoka: ??
xxx: im getting married!! he proposed to me last nite..
inoka: wah..
inoka: congratz...
xxx: so happy u knoe.. after so long. finally can buy house have babies!!
inoka: haha
inoka: how he proposed de?
xxx: dinner at chijmes then we toking abt our future. then he ask me marry him lor. he say is time we apply for a flat n start a family.
inoka: eh
inoka: like dat oso can? lolx
inoka: simi proposal lai de..
inoka: tmd..
inoka: lolx
xxx: mmm, ok lah. haha together so long, i thought he'd never ask.
inoka: zzzz
inoka: aiya
inoka: u happy can le lolx
xxx: ;p
inoka: u ah
inoka: dyin to marry him i noe. lolx
xxx: not dying lah!!
inoka: no meh?
xxx: he quite good catch. dun marry him marry who? hahaha
inoka: ....

我好像不知还应该说什么。
不多说些什么，也许就是我对她最好的祝福吧。

近来听到男婚女嫁的三大理由：
两人趁屋价不是太高，早点买房子。
想结婚，是想要一个孩子。
对方条件不错，能给予稳定的生活。

我仿佛以经很久很久没听到有人说，他要结婚是为很爱很爱一个人。
很想很想和那个人永远永远的在一起。。
或许生活便是如此， 没有完美，没有永远。

好大的

BIG hor the blueblack? sobsob
very pain ah 他妈的！
next time i dun gei kiang le..
so stupid, tryin to jump up my bed oso will knock against myself.
faintz.... lolx

麻将美女

赢钱赢到哭？von 啊 von, 穿我的 t-shirt 有heng hor?

moonlight in tokyo

watched moonlight in tokyo by leon lai today..
he looks so old oready. abit fat, not cute le.
tot is a comedy but i barely laff.
maybe its the movie, maybe its jus me.
hmmm..

唉

心情真的好差啊。。
如果真可以赖‘死’在床上该多好，不用去想自然就不会烦。
可，不想又谈何容易。真他妈的！
我想夫妻之间最难莫过于在很须要真正的好好沟通时，却一句话也说不出。
或即使说出了口，他也不会明白，不愿明白。
唉，叫我如何是好嘛。

fallin..

留不下却又离不开，好累。

thinkin back, it was so ez to say 'i do'. now ah, its onli try try try n more tries to keep those vows we swore. constant battlin wif intense xpectancy of wat he shld but din, leavin only anguish of disappointment my soul cannot contain for much longer le. i wonder whr did the once so keen heart disappear to?

诗的回应

念 只有无情的悲伤
等 只有残酷得失望
酒 是我的好同伴
烟 是我的好知己
你的笑容成了我的眼泪
爱一个人需要那么痛苦吗？
~liquidfire~

爱 与不能爱之间
痛 与不再痛以后
烟 酒 泪
象无情的陷阱
把你一次一次
暗算
~inoka~

his last nite in sg

skip mj today for fung's last nite in sg b4 he went aussie to pursue his daddy's dream. went to tis ktv pub 'club62' to drink til drop for every1 cept me hehz. the service thr "还真不错", wun let u have empty glasses for too long de lolx.
waitress many many, all wear very 短 n very 少.
erm, not too pretty but still passable ba. but!! many 帅哥s thr..



poor fung, can see he very 依依不舍 every1 n every thing in sg. i wonder why.
i was even tellin him, 'go le dun come back!! sg sucks anyway..'
he told me he will miss me very much de, aiyo so sweet.



duuno drink til when, every1 became very quiet, seems 再多的狂饮也掩饰不了大家的不舍得.
深深的feel 到eugene 的明言：脸带笑容心悲哀.
无奈的明白原来离别也可以很美, 美得叫人心痛..

一念与一念之间

von's blog 又让我想起 dat incident which left me 后悔莫级..

i rem it was drizzlin. i was takin shelter when i saw tis adult bird fell frm a tree n landed straight onto the road, near the curbside. jus when i tot it was dead frm the fall, another bird flew to it's side n started peckin the dyin bird furiously to its consciousness. however, the bird seemed 受了重伤 din even move. onli to raise its head once in a while. 凄凉的惨叫声 were heard constantly comin frm its mate, perhaps beggin for help or perhaps tryin its best to yell those traffic away. sad.

at tis point, my inner voice told me if i dun do somethin abt it. dat poor birdie will die soon under the tyre tracks wif fast movin oncomin cars, buses, lorries etc.

i knew i mus move the bird to somewhr safe.
i knew xactly wat i mus do. the thing was, i did not. i couldnt..
in my life, 我有两没法碰, 就是活生生的鸟和鱼. i wanted so much to help yet 我的双脚跟本不听使唤无法动弹. i could only stand thr watch n pray those vehicles will miss it.
how pathetic.. how useless of me.

after a long struggle wif many close deaths, 命运终究还是 took the bird away. my eyes were on the bird while it finally happen. it was only den, i truely realised dat i could haf save dat poor thing, onli if i were brave enuff. i dun even noe wtf i was so scare abt. fuckin shit.
i hate my cowardice.

他的生或死就在于我的一念之间. 我的懦弱, 无情的夺走了原本还有一线生机的小生命.
抱歉有用吗？i think not.. :(

是否

你的生命中是否有那样一个人，
心里，总是会无时无刻悄悄地想起他的样子。
他的一切，已在你心底烙上了深深的印。
但你和他，却注定不能在一起。
如果爱了，结果只会是错误，伤害，最终分离。

另外还有那样的一个人，
誓言无怨无悔的陪伴在你身边。
温柔的分担着你的烦恼，你的眼泪。
为你的生活背负起责任，用一颗最真诚的心去爱，保护你。
而你对他的感情却只能淡淡的，淡淡的。

天亮了，可我的心依然灰灰的。。

今天

希望
平日的我大多都不跟许多人一样会去排队买 toto
因我觉幸运之神离我好远好远。
但不知是为了凑热闹还是真想买一个希望。
花了$32， 奖金最终还是落入别家。
虽然明知哪有那么易中彩，心里还是难免藏有一丝丝的失望，嘿。。
猫猫说过的，有买有希望。下次再来吧？

苦
小时候，从不喜欢吃苦瓜。妈常说我吃不了苦。
唉呀，苦瓜太苦了！
我想人会变，口味也会变吧。午饭时我竟然叫了苦瓜小菜吃了起来。
很苦， 真的很苦。苦在嘴里，心里却鸣起怪怪的想法。
渐渐地，感觉苦是一种享受，一种感动。
也许生活的苦能用心去感受去体会，应该也不过如此。。

期待
选择不复酒约，留在家打牌。满怀期待与牌做乐。
偏偏被那一张张的牌气的死去活来。
要什么不来什么， 打什么来什么！心想不要紧，期待下一圈会好一点。
就这样，期待。失望。再期待。 再失望。。
他明白，她也明白。可，就那牌不明白！真是讨厌。
有时候，失望也是一种幸福。
至少，能给自己一个好借口换掉那又旧又顽固的麻将了。

想说的
很想回他的信却不知应该说些什么。
其实看了信，那份感动与心痛非笔墨能形容。
可，我却清楚的记不起关于很多他的一切。
只记得我们成经巧合性的爱过，连为何事分开也已模糊。
也许，我的清楚与不清楚应该就是最好的回信吧。。

如果没法忘记，就不要忘记好了。真正的忘记，是不需要努力的。

忘了

他的情书：

已经好久没有想你，以为都忘了。
还以为，时间真的可以淡忘一切。
只是， 总有一些事刹那间，勾起我的回忆。
不想，还是莫明地想起，不由自主的怀念。

你还是这样，写的东西让人有忧郁的感觉。
也许，你有着别人无法理解的悲伤。
我记得你的眼神，从忧郁中能感受到的深情。
只是，那种深情永远不关于我。
我无法走进你的世界，我都知道的。

可是，总是那么地期待。
我恨我自己。
但，又能怎样？

和自己一起

病还没好，嘴间的烟还是一根接一根。
不知是睡多了还是我已习惯在夜里自言自语。。
我常在想，
假如命中注定要放弃一些本来可以属于自己的东西，那又会是什么呢？
假如命中注定拥有记忆，那不愿被忘记里会有你的影子吗？
因有爱而活无爱而灭的灵魂会得到解脱吗？
为何了解自己如此之难，
期待快乐的日子仿佛永远没有尽头？
想累了， 天也无情的亮了。

bloody cough.

i was coughin real badly til i couldn't slp. 川贝枇杷膏 dun work le. n the last time i checked wat i spat out. gosh, 见血了! i surrender! i went to see my doc jus now.

"breathe harder.. ok, harder.. hmmm, pain rite when u breathe hard?" he diagnosed me wif bronchitis cough after he performs a physical examinations wif his stethoscope. "huh? very chiem doc, issit serious? will die ma?" i onli understood cough lolx.

he did some xplainations of duno wat inflammation of the linin of the bronchial tubes, the airways that connect the windpipe to the lungs which could caused serious lungs diseases if not treated properly etc... i wasn't realli absorbin every word he said.
i onli heard.. "no smokin, no cold drinks, no fruits..."

nvr see any antibiotics so BIG size b4 .. faintz

eh think i gonna jus smoke 1 ciggy b4 i head to bed.. heh 好累

原来

yes it's 6.46am early n yes im still awake. perhaps i slpt too much tryin to recover frm fever n bad bad cough. perhaps, slpin for a better tml doesn't mean much to me le. perhaps 5ciggy only in a day drives me crazy! din noe writin chinese poems so much harder. took me longer den usual. good start though..


想不起

在一起的甜蜜时光
厌倦了

不被需要

那没流出来的泪

在我的心上却好久好久不干

原来

我们过的已是不同的日子

time's up baby.

wat happens when u noe u r no longer in needy of?

do u stay pretendin, or it's time to move on n leave..

好烂的开始

唉! today 真倒霉!!
eat at restaurant 拉肚子.
play mahjong the cards oso 欺负 me 还输 the most.
reach home le, jelloe chew my brand new soviet titus specs into pieces..
chinese new yr 第一天 i oready so sway..
i wonder days to come, 怎么办? faintz.
bad luck dun surround me! go back to yr daddy! grrr...

敏感与无奈

在许多好友和家人眼里我应该算是个超级敏感的女生吧。我只觉得对人对事如果敏感一些，
顾虑到人家的感受，便可免去大多不必要的难过与无心伤害。
也许想多了，很多时候因敏感度过高，常把很无心的一句错话或小动作想成好复杂。再把脑里所认定的想法为事实，搞到自己很不开心。为人敏感，真不知是好事还是坏事！
没法啦，对于我的敏感， 只好请大家多多包涵。

变了的爱

人的一生能有几个有如海誓山盟真挚不变的爱？
爱情在每对恋人里都扮演着不同的角色但往往都逃不过变心的影子。
在爱情这条路上，又有几个可以完全保证自己永不变心呢。

即使當初愛得多么深，往往在心变後，一切的一切也会灰飛煙滅。而对于那个还守着那已远离了的緣份的另一方，繼續沈淪，繼續陷入迷惘可悲的无望等待，也還会是一場空。不是吗？
变了的爱能找得回来吗？我想很难。

或许爱不一定要彼此不变，只要曾經在爱的时候真心的愛過，當中的感動与感受，也应该够了吧。

幸福?

幸福是一种自我感觉,只要自己觉得幸福就是幸福了;自己感觉不到幸福,无论在别人眼里如何风光无限,你的心里仍是一片冰凉。

i wan out..

no word could ever exemplify the mixed feelins im havin rite now..

i wondered if some1 could feel so much euphoria and melancholia at the same time.

gosh, tis is hard.

evil tester

with a squeeze in my heart

my 1st tp attempt,

murdered in prematured death

dat i shld,

stick the gearknob up

my tester's ass!

read tis frm a blog while tryin to stay awake..
ha, new meanin i learn today.

Snow Blow
snow blow - sucking a dick with ice cubes in the mouth

woot!! :)

its 0732am n i can't get to slp. mus reach ssdc at 1035am.. so stressful!! gosh, tis is torturin.

pls pls pls let everything turn out well.. no immediate failure wif a score of below 18 so i can get my class 3 on first attempt! think i can't slp le.. so 'early' oready.

"dun release too much crutch.. slowly reverse.... see the 2nd pole den full lock to left.. everythin safety comes 1st... dun crutch in n roll b4 stoppin, brake first.." god, i can hear nothin but those words hummin in my mind. faint!

luck luck luck... pls gather ard me later. i realli need dat.

shoes shoes n more shoes!

went j8 wif adrian n meow yesterday.. we had dinner at crystal jade n both of em bought pants lolx. boys will grow up, dun they?

i bought shoes again. aiyo, was supposed to buy jus 1 pair of heels to go wif my little dress for new yr. endin up now, i have 2 new pairs which doesn't fit the dress at all.. lolx well, meanin i still hadda go hunt for the right pair. so "tiring" *winkwink*

von, wheres the whip u wanna pass me? lolx

she was beggin me to bring her home, i din haf a choice hehz

i was readin up on an article where pro-choice folks n pro-lifers actualli debatin against abortions caused by rapes, sexual mutilation, forced impregnation, enforced prostitution, forced sexual slavery. i was pretty much disgusted coz seriously, impregnations caused by those evil deeds still need to argue de meh? they seems to be onli interested in knowin or decidin on the unborns' fates. i mean, will them or do they help take care of the child after birth? i reckon not. after readin a particular quote by a Rev. Milhouse Pakalolo of Quayle Family Value Foundation...

"We feel that a rape or incest-enhanced little breeder must carry her child to term. There's nothing like a baby to bring a gal and her daddy closer."

... i was ready to puke.

Your Name: Jacqueline

01. artist you chose: jim morrison.

02. are you a male or female: im a doll. lolx

03. describe yourself: sick wif misery.

04. how do you feel about yourself: addictive..

05. describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: a beautiful creature.

06. describe your current location: very under the moon :(

08. describe where you want to be: promise land.

09. your best friend is: my wanderin mind.

10. your favorite color: dependin on my mood realli..

11. what's the weather like: weepy.

12. if your life was a television show what would it be: 101 escape frm reality.

13. what is life to you: im still tryin to figure out actualli. a transit maybe.

14. what is the best advice you have to give: nvr fall in love, hmm contradictive.

15. if you could change your name what would it be: i love my name.

16. tell me something about the person who posted this before you: mad.

how will u die?

took a test n tis is my result:
You will kill yourself, suicide, pills, jumping, or a gun.

when i was a child, oways sickly, my mum took me for a readin. dat fortune teller told her my previous life i was a socialite whom fell too hard in love n hung myself over an unworthy man n i din rid my karma wif my death.. wif dat curse, i will still murder myself tis life. my mum got very worried, thus i oways haf wat i wan frm her.
to enter death created by yr own hands has oways been appealin to me when i was in my teens. i used to stare down frm high rises n tot jumpin was cool.. wonderin aft my body hit the ground, will i still be able to hear at least for a moment the sound of my blood gushin frm any openins broken. dat would be the pleasure to end all pleasures.. perhaps wif beliefs dat the teller might be rite n it was my destiny + wifout fear frm dyin, bravery for stupid dangerous acts became norm routines. thinkin back, i think i owe my mum millions apologies for makin her helplessly worried sick.

older, my perceptions on suicide sorta took a turn. i began to think its rather dumb to die for a man, any man. eh actualli shld be, its stupid to kill 1self regardless of the many xcuses. to choose death over livin is nvr solutions, is an escape. onli weaklins do dat. wif undyin faith, i swore nothin n no1 can rekindle dat suicidal flame in me ever within my sane mind.

again, dat was so then..

today, i knew emptiness has somehow build a home in my heart. dwellin deep within, i slowly began to connect wif those who lived n died for wat they believed in: to taste tranquility in an instant flash. now, i reckon if 1 hafta choose death, thr mus be enuff sadness n unworthiness on livin n if dyin was the onli way out to rid dat sufferin, its more den alrite oready.

wateva possibilities i might actualli consider voluntery death tots pangs my mind. i constantly remind myself to take a moment to ponder b4 i crack. i hope 1 day i shall see all dat loves my soul is incapable of knowin, b4 dat wrong courage spreads its wings on me first..

my mind driftin away wif the tappin sounds frm the rain.. think i had succumed to tis nothingness aft sRo down for final closed-beta patch. good time to hug some1 n fall aslp 2gether yet thr is no1 here grrr... tis rain is leavin a lonely trail on me. faint!!

so floaty i feel. so weightless. was it coz my life had no meanin? still waitin for the day when i wun smile onli when i hafta n break down when i dun. til den, i jus hafta keep my composure.. so rain, shoo shoo!!

Rain fallin down frm heavenz

Always in hope it will wash away my pain

In its chill i dream

No more drizzle frm my weary eyes

"pass u the whip? haha.." dat was the immediate reaction of von when i tried on dat realli realli sexy pair. 2hrs at Jwest was not in vain lolx. 3pairs went home wif us wif 15% wifout sale!! wat an accomplishment. ha~!

想不开

很多时候人因想不开和放不下便会很难过，很痛苦. 只要有一天想通了，一切的一切便会ok了..

i certainly do not noe how loveable i am but yesh!! i love to be in love!! eh, but.. dun any1 else? go here to findin dat bear in u ba..

curious to noe wat i am aft learnin wat von is.. lolx feverish but still testable. ha!
click here to test for yrself ba.



The Wild Rose Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)
Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose. Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

Your exact opposite:The Dirty Little Secret Deliberate Gentle Sex Master
The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor
CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

* you're never truly single as long as you have yourself *

feverish..

as i sat here to unwind, blog a little, so many tots came to the fore.. i guess i wanna pen down how touched i was. it was a bbq for me i knew. it was the loveliest communications dats voiceless.. no words needed to be said. all they wanted was findin my lost smile n happiness. like angels, they came to take me out of another 'rather stay hm' nite.. frm the bottom of heart i knew.. they, were the best thing dat could befall on me on dat sombre nite we called eve2006..

Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves.

~Robert Frost~

"do u love me?" she gazed sadly at the once so familiar face. dat same face she fell in love wif. "i did..!!" he replied wif such force. "u did? u did...." she looked away, tears smother her breath like frosty raindrops. "no no.. i do..." his eyes transfixed gently on her not knowin, hurt was oready done.

where is dat love now? moved on to somewhr wifout her ma? y did he neglect a heart so tender? she has no more tears left to weep. time has taken their love away. n on xmas eve, she has no1 to say goodbye, but herself.

seriously vivian u shocked me wif yr xxxxx postins in my taggy. so long le,
u shld noe im not interested in e man u fancy so much in vain. i can't help it wif his affections. im jus as helpless as u wor. if u reckon by screamin yr lungs out in my taggy makes u feel better, den go ahead ba. i wun delete em like i did to yr smses n emails. its kinda pointless replyin to u. u dun seems to get it at all. for yr record, i did stay away frm him. dats y i din show up. i did sms him abt my not goin at all. n thrs isn't any promises to even start wif.. get yr facts rite b4 u yell n lose yr head over tis. erm, outta good will, maybe u shld try rubbin e magic lamp above n a genie might jus appear to grant u e wish u yearn most?

my heart is so badly wounded 2day.. a xmas eve. sad.

silkroad online is a fuckin retarded game!!!!

A duck walks into a pet store and asks the attendant, "Do you have any duck food?" The attendant says "No" and the duck leaves. The next day the duck is back and enquires once more, "Do you have any duck food?" The attendant, thinking the duck very stupid, replies, "No." The duck exits the store. He repeats this process again and again.
Several days later the duck returns to the pet store. This time he receives the answer, "No, and the next time you ask me if we have duck food I'll nail your feet to the counter and bash your head in with a cricket bat." The duck smiles complacently and leaves.
The duck strolls into the store the next day, moseys up to the counter and asks, "Do you have any nails?" Put slightly off his guard, the attendant mutters, "No..." So the duck grins and asks, "Do you have any duck food?"

i tot dat was realli funny.. haha

im graspin for words to describe my feelins rite now.. im so haunted by the ironical truth of finalli knowin wat i wan happier n yet can't haf anymore. tis few weeks, i was drinkin xpectations like essences man, floodin my soul wif obligations. i knew i was a 'pleaser' to a certain xtend but nvr tis much. todate, i reckon my endless yearnin to dream in time outside the ordinary will be left to decay. haiz! my defenses r so so broken n torn. do i realli hafta let dat fire in me, extinguished?! tis is life yea? yeah, tis is life...

i knew if i run, i'll be runnin forever. .

alightin gently frm my languish heart

i found my almost forsaken path

as u ceased to sparkle

my soul will take its flight

wifout entrapment,

wifout u.

u can nvr imagine how screw up life can be until u've seen mine... haiz

sometimes pple used to say, "haf they all gone crazy now? tokin wif the dolphins n all dat!!" but once we're learned the langauge of the dolphins, tis mutual approach, dat could be the moment of signification change in our messed up civilization.

bad bad bad headache...

an old postcard filled wif admirations frm a senior when i was in nafa..
ah, memories flashed back like it was jus yesterday..

Behold, set yourself free from desire

my pretty child

Break chains from your legs

and soar towards the sky

Fly and glide, real high

Kick stones from your path

and remove all barriers

Declare yourself

Queen of the northern land.
~ Jeremy 1994 ~

~ The cruel pain of him

betrayed

She regrets it.

Her intense longing for

a moment in time

He denies it. ~

written by Cristallite based on a true story of her very own love made wrong. now fills wif nothin left but regrets. y lettin go will oways be difficult especialli aft u lost it all? n y din pple learn the art of cherish when u still haf it within yr palms. hmm.. love is so full of misery, loneliness n sufferins n its all over too soon.

the moon kisses,

my mirage life begins.

passin thru immortality,

i seek solace

in his tragic world.

resuscitatin,

every wanderin souls

wif one fatal kiss of

eternal bliss.

i had a dream. thr was tis vampire i fell in love wif. i beg him to let me in his cruel world.

he obliged, kissed me n made me his kind. i was his queen, his follower.

i participated n witnessed every blood thirsty acts n felt everything like it's real.

today, i finalli noe how they live their lives of lonely existance. how beautiful...

i hid behind illusions of happiness
unaware,
things oready had changed
u insisted on the many undefined confusions
pretendin those magic moments so lost,
alive..

not exactly feelin too good to feel sober now. mayb i shld jus get myself some drinks. be drunk... hmm, or maybe high enuff to feel not so bitter? yeah, i shld do dat. i need to drown my sorrows..

i breathe quietly behind u

you said i bring no warmth
you said i felt like snow
cold and naked,

i tried to enter your life
of companies with solitude.

written by MofoChaos

a poem i received today via email frm a friend.. said he was sorta inspirated by my blog, thus tryin to unleash his inner talent he claimed! ^^ nice try nice try haha.. gonna jus post here to share. :) dun mind k?

yay.. time for mahjong later.. its been awhile since we last played.
my happiness tonite = slpless cranky neighbours! too bad, i dun realli care. not anymore.

empty table of mine

patiently waitin thru seasons

for our social ritual of,

when east meets west..

~ 08:42pm~

its realli nice to noe thr r pple ard me who cares..

aft lunchie wif jo, jas n jon i felt alot better oready. it would be perfect if ling could make it though. *winkz* karen's smses cheered me up too.. hehz. n not forgettin adrian n his kind words.. 'shit happens, take it easy n kan kai abit!' lolx.. maybe tis is life ba. wifout sufferins, we can't feel the compassion!! hmm, i mus go rest nw.. drivin n more drivin tml... omg when is all tis drivin gonna end? best of luck wif yr papers von.. ^^

ps: von, i need my source therapy..

destinated to be addicted to sadness....

shld i? shld i not? how nice if our hearts function wifout feelings n emotions. dat would make it alot easier for me to breathe thru tis thin air of misery..


Kiss me,
let me live once more
Hold me,
let us be whole
Leave me not my darling angel,
let me hold you one last time
In eternal embrace,
let our love be sealed
written by LiquidFire

he din leave clean like he claimed he would. he called me frm london jus now while i was drivin. i din say much. he hung up aft sayin "wifout u, life back here will be an ugly sight." i wonder wat he meant wif ugliness... i seriously think he's drunk.
gettin all high here n thr still doesn't mend dat hole in the heart, ive learned dat now.

sadly, sometimes pple seems to need us more den we could ever needed em. i was not rdy for whr he wanna take me. i dun think i will ever be rdy as i couldn't. so he left, 1st flight back to his life last nite. 7 yrs le. i can finally let it go. oready.

wateva it is, suan le. whoever it was. suan le, when did it happened, suan le. how did it happened, suan le. where it disappeared to, suan le. how it might haf been, suan le. suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan le!!!!
omg, i din noe i will be tis heartbroken. let it go jac, let it go.

u build a castle in my heart,

now silently left to ruin.

is tis how we will end?

in everlastin pain.

"Miracles happen, because we believe in them." ~ LiquidFire ~

they say 1 shall seek n 1 will find. go whr find? or we r jus not among those chosen 1s to witness dat very much needed miracle? grr.. realli, no matter how hard my mind wages constant battles wif faith, hope had somehow became so ethereal, so fragile. gosh.. wat a lonely nite wif all but too much misery of wanderin thru tis imagined existence of miracles..

i was followin my soul, tryin to venture to the realm of darkness.

even embrace wats lurkin in the shadows to hope find a cure.

was i even wrong?

but when evil dwells in the mind of mortals.

nobody dare to tell their tots..

nobody at all.

fuck fuck fuck....

i think im very much lost. i think i realli can't see the road ahead. i realli think i need to pray.. angels above, pls send my prayers to him...


dear lord, look upon her wif eyes of mercy, may your healing hand rest upon her, may your lifegivin powers flow into every cell of her body n into the depths of her soul, cleansin, purifyin, restorin her to wholeness n strength for service in your kingdom. amen.

even the sky is weepin wif sorrows now.. if onli those heavenly tears can cleanse the evilish. if onli... sighz.
my heart's so heavy now. too heavy i cant hold on anymore but i duuno how to let it go. i can't see happiness frm here, i can't see it anymore.

far-away kindness

if onli u could

caress dat pain frm his heart

forgotten laughters

if onli u could

fill dat void in my soul

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down on us. << ---- pls let tis be true.. pls pls pls....

Whispering winds,

bring me back to time,

glistened raindrops,

on your ivory face,

in my arms u were,

a sweet kiss,

on an enchanting night

written by Liquidfire

is realli comfortin to noe i can be some1's source of inspiration esp on a day so gloomy. is so hard to pretend to be strong when im all jello inside. my eyes r all sore n achy nw. i need to go lie down. i cant think straight anyway. wake me onli wif a fuckin gd news pls god.

haiz, u realli can never noe how big the world is until it falls on top of u.
im havin my major brain freeze since 10+ n yet my freeflow stingin tears couldn't stop.
im drownin my mind wif endless words. i need to speak, say something or perhaps shout it away! yet i can onli hide here pretendin it's not true, pretendin everything's real is merely a bad dream. tis heartache is tearin my soul apart. tis chill in my heart is too eerie, too cold to bear.

ahhh i wish thr's something i could've done to take it all away....
but i knew thr isn't.
tragic events wif happy endings r so precious on delicate nights such as tis. haiz.

silent tears he shed

broke my heart in two

fly away boy

to the land of hope.

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!

yesterday nite i reminded myself mus buy the 4numbers me n adrian 'found' while waitin for meow n von.
i overslpt thus did not buy. i woke up. the numbers open lor. @$#%^!(+&%** faint!!!!
we supposed to share n i din buy. now i feel so bad. so sian. haiz..

"Nice Sunset View huh? Happiness is being able to watch the sunset with the one you love....." (von's blog)

it's been a long long time since i last.... eh, to continue those words is cruelty.
maybe happiness is being able to watch the 'sunset ONLY' wif the ones u love von. if u stay any longer after the sun sets, happiness might wander away into the icy dark nite dat follows, wif no return.

actualli, wif the magnificent coastline of thousands swaying waves frm the turquoise-turned orangy ocean when the golden sun slowly makes his way down the infinite horizon. dat glow, dat warm feel of romance. ahh! indeed, sunsets r breathtakin in its own special hue.

damn.. memories i somehow managed to stash away found it's way back. images i tot was vague seems so alive now. bradley, keith, eric, jess n me. we watched numerous sunsets 2gether wif plenty of beers, plenty of bon jovi's. we were onli 17, 18.. dat evenin, mostly drunk. we count stars, shared our dreams aft the last rays of sunsets dyin lights n solemn nite took over soon, too soon. dat was the last time i saw brad. dat was the last sunset for brad, for me.

11yrs le. i still cant brace myself for 1more sunset.

wings gone limp

dreams left behind

he found heaven

wifout us.

~ Bradley Christopher Yuen, a dear friend ~

"I was delighted last evening when Jac popped up my task bar on MSN.Dunnoe why but I feel happy seeing her *winks*The lady had started her own blog.* thumbs up*Nice work. Lotsa pink :)"

those kind words r LF's taken frm his blog.. at least i noe i made some1 happy. ha! erm, as for kel, ive tried to write something nice n cheerful for once but those words jus had a hard time comin out. guess it's jus not easy n so not me. hmmm, reckon i will stick to writin whateva n howeva i feel. hehz...

i din feel like bloggin til it started to pour heavily at 4am.
i oways had tis thing for the rain. watchin those pearly droplets free fall like angels' tears leaves me spellbound, mostly romantic.. yet 2nite all i felt was loneliness. how nice if the1 i love was here to breathe beside my empty soul yearnin so much to be held, embrace me, 2gether we enter our dreams. haiz. i pray i can fall aslp soon so i wun miss u tis much. n hope when i finally dream, it will be yr smile baby...

oh wicked rain
u fell on me
like im so empty

REGRETS

~For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.~

~There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.~

i can't help but copy those 2 quotations for u, my baby sister.

stolens kisses r so so fine

til the day he waved gdbyes

images of him embedded in my mind

memories i shld nvr leave behind.

sometimes love can be both, the most beautiful n yet ugliest of all. either u feel like top of the world (usualli durin the honeymoon period) or lower den dirt (we all noe the time when love fades). sighz. is thr really wat they say: true n everlastin love? or it's jus a make-believed?

when u fell for the wrong guy, all the promises he once swore upon will be thrown into wasteland. wat den? cry those lonely tears of anguish sorrows, try every means to write dat obituary for yr heart. even if u found the so call mr. nice guy who cherish u, understood yr every needs. will there be contentment to last thru?

we nvr fail to see it til its too late, love is jus love before it reaches "i'll love u til the bitter end".

i can't slp. bad bad hangover now. my head is heavy n im jaded. i duno wat to say.

but i realli wanna say something. 2nite was easy for me til dat fateful phonecall.

i've nvr seen her dat way b4. sure, we had woes n pains frm the past..

but i din noe her heart n emotions r breakin down so hard.
aww man... tian yao liang le. it's scary to be so inspirated at tis hr.

yet, i can't help but made tis poem for her.


she has a stirrin heart dat no1 noes.
swayin in tears,
i felt her love on the cliff tonite
oh gal..
y do u yearn tis much
of a love u can nvr reach.

shimmerin pieces it broke into

my heart was once so beautiful

i was dat angel of urs

now stripped of her wings.

u n me, dat dream is finally done.

he left a msg in my mailbox tellin how much he missed me n blah blah blah.. i wasn't moved. how dare he try to even tell me stuffs i dun longed for anymore. i forgave him, for dat little inspiration on my 3rd poem. hehz
aiyo, suddenly a soulful calmness fills the air. maybe its the weather. kinda warm. i can't access my lonely journey of aimless mind wanderin tis way. no more addictive tots of sadness. how not interestin. ha! hao ba, 2nite i let my emotions slp.

nitetime is the oways the loneliest time. every1 u love has gone to bed for a better tml. im still waitin for my dreammate come find me. im so tired. i wan to slp. grrr... i jus can't as usual. to be able to lie on the bed n doze off immediately is a luxury ive long forgotten.. pple say count sheeps helps. 2nite, i will count the stars! ha...

din rain 2nite, at least not now. 1,2,3,4....7,10 hmmm, too little to hypnotise me.

twinkle n twinkles, they look so pretty like glisterin crystals painted over the dark canvas we call nite. yet, thr's oways something depressin abt the stars for me. high high up thr stretchin across eternity. they mus be realli lonely too ba. every glances they stole upon us, every glows' like a word nvr said, stories dat would nvr be told.

although i still love starin at those stars, i noe our souls shall never meet.

a realli big ty to ling n von for likin my first ever haiku. ^^ im feelin alot better le compared to days b4. muacks gals.. especially to ling for brightenin up my work last nite. bz bz bz drinkin n chattin wif her, time pass alot faster n yesh cold wings taste better wif beer! haha so here's 1 for ling for last nite.

mugs n a broken jug.

crowd cheered.

she sang like an angel.

u always smile but in yr eyes yr sorrow shows..

yrs ago, alan said dat to me. i've long forgotten y he said dat.

today especially, i felt like im hearin it again but tis time in my heart.

gosh, im still chewin my teeth into any flesh i can grab hold of.. no1 was spared.

omg tis is bad. it hasn't go away yet.

i still can't slp. i need to rest. gotta work later in the nite. zzz

any pumkins wanna feed my fists? sighz! guess not.

today is 1 of those day i woke feelin unworthy of life. my mind has flown to places i dun even noe names. so sianz.. ahh, it will pass, it oways does. yet while waitin for 'its finally gone' is too long, too tormentin. im makin pple ard me sick too ):

filled wif tears frm my eyes

yr heart shatters

beneath dat fadin smile,

all lies

i dun feel well today. had fever last nite. woke in the evenin when adrian suggested mahjong. i even forgot to reply to ling's sms. stay hm got pple pei, mahjong is a good idea. ^^

adrian n meow playin gb in my pc room while waitin for yvon. i got nothin to do. so i decided to let jelloe out for a little walk wif me jus outside our corridor. he follow while i walk front. he stop if i stop. how nice.. he din anyhow run. i was thinkin tis could be a good start for my baby.. we could do tis more often if he behave himself. come to think of it, i was kinda darin to even try. lolx

aft mahjong, every1 ready to head home. as usual they leave he bid em goodbye standin at the door. he nvr did try to sneak out.. but tis time, he rush out at the first chance he had when i opened the gate!!! eh, i din panic like i normalli would. i din chase like the boys did. maybe we did tis earlier n he was good. i had tis belief dat he was juz tryin to visit my neighbour's who kept a dog too. it was aft 15 secs i realised my dog is not comin back n adrian/meow was gone chasin aft him. no more sound. all silent. i ran out. i was almost in tears when all i saw was yvon tryin to locate the boys too.

omg.. my jelloe!!! he's a fast runner. they r not gonna find him. my jelloe will be missin.. he will not be able to find his way home even if he wans to.. im losin my baby for gd. how is he gonna take care of himself out thr in the 'wild'.. zzzz im faintin.. i feel nausea, the walls seems to be cavin in on me. i think im realli faintin.

juz as i was losin faith, my hero En Ren adrian appeared wif my baby in his arms. he told me jelloe was chasin aft a cat who was outside my hse.. actualli he did lose sight of him. not knowin which direction he went. he went on blind mice chase. he got lucky, nono is i got damn lucky he saw jelloe. aft some marathon, he finally caught hold of the notti cat chaser. i was thankful, god i was realli thankful. no enuff of thanks could xpress my gratitude. so tml im buyin him dinner. lolx

once in chalet n now tis. i dun think i could endure the tots of losin my most beloved anymore. no more no-leash walk ard for him n me. no more presumptions dat he's not dashin out like today.
safe enuff? haha, duuno wor. juz pray i got lucky everytime things go crazy. pray hard jac, pray realli hard.

5:14 am. can't slp again. a worried friend called me. seekin advices to help her grievin sis to feel better, stop her frm tearin n maybe even recover frm the loss of her love, a man who left her. she is hurt so bad that she stop eating, sleeping, hanging out with friends.. she's onli 21.

ah, i was emotionless, maybe i dunno her personally, maybe cuz tis is happenin to every1 at least once. i told him to let her be. suggest bring her for sad movies, radio her sad songs, read a sad novel. let her mourn. let her feel sad. let her haf a good cry, wash out her heart. he said cryin is bad. he dun see the sacredness in tears. every tears is gd for the soul. a powerful weapon to recover frm heartaches. if 1 fall to the deepest pit, 1 will learn how to brace 1self n find a way up again de. when she cry no more tears. she will stop.

he said i'm cold-blooded. :( grr.. to grieve love gone wrong is hurtful. we all noe dat dun we? the journey is a long walk frm happiness but if she dun do the necessary mournin, the pain will go away meh? it wun. it will jus go hide elsewhr, somewhr deep. 1day, it will come back n haunt her, torture her.

bfore he hung up. i told him she will be arite de. nothin dun heal thru time, nothin. someday she will be ok. there might be a stain on her heart but the pain will be gone. she will look back n laff at her sorrow today.

easier said den done he said. hmm, wat else can i say? lolx.

hao lei. time for tryin to slp..

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. -- Antoine de Saint --

"Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly, flittering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly...suddenly I awoke... Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man."

-- Chuang-tzu (Chinese philosopher)

"I am not quite sure whether I am dreaming or remembering, whether I have lived my life or dreamed it. Just as dreams do, memory makes me profoundly aware of the unreality, the evanescence of the world, a fleeting image in the moving water."

-- Eugène Ionesco (French dramatist)

pple oways say may dreams come true. i sure hope mine doesn't loh.

i was in ntuc wif ling when tis realli huge dinosaur attacked us, forcin us to 1 corner in a freezin store room tryin our fukin best to stay alive. finalli havin us for his yummy lunch. zzz how interestin to see yrself being eaten up raw..

tis is bad enuff, to think kelvin dreamt of roaches takin over the world. lolx yucks!

i took a long ride up space wif erm.. some1 i dun rem who. same like wat u wld see in movies. so empty so soulless.. so pathetic. close yr eyes nw, share wif me the tots of being so alone. no1 ard to feel yr joy yr bitterness. eerie..

to wake in tears is oways so depressin. so many funerals of love1s. they say is good for em if u dreamt of their deaths. keepin my fingers x! if it's not appealin to myself, why not wish for the best of others rite. lolx

maybe someday i will get the true blessin of sweetdreams.. maybe ba.