If there is one decision in the past you can change, which one would it be? And if you can really change that point in life, would you? - Quoted by mojave
sometimes i wish i could
sometimes i wish he would
sometimes..
just sometimes
i should just let it go
i should just let a lot of things go
and each time i say i cant
i actually can
but maybe i never wanted to
i have to have something to look forward to
its taking way too long to heal
如果我早一点如何如何。。
如果我先这样那样。。
如果当初我能这般那般。。
如
也许，上天早已安排了一切。
就连如果，也是我们生活中上天安排给我们的遗憾。
似乎，正因为有了这些遗憾，才能弥补我们脆弱的心灵空洞。
如果懂得将这全部的如果埋藏在心底，成为自己永远不会知道的秘密，
心或许可以慢慢的静下来，所谓的如果也就变得不再重要了。
do you realize that ‘if only’ makes you cry?
you were mine
you were there
always there
now you are gone
gone forever
disappeared
lost forever
so sad
why we keep pretending long after we should have stopped.
you are still here, with or without a reason, only because i let you be.
my fault, i guess you could say. i couldnt let us go.
“you dont exist”
maybe if i say that enough, you and everything else will disappear..
together you once said to me. together is something that the two of us will never be, even if we were to stand close to each other, doing the exact same thing. our together doesnt have allowance for a happy ending. it doesnt have an ending.
我似看见，
生病时无微不至的关怀，
受伤时悉心照料的安慰，
至亲背后无私的支持，
犯错时怜爱的轻骂，
一切尽在其中，不言而喻。
相信这份纯真。
相信它的简简单单。
只希望你幸福。
这样就够了，真的够了。
you are here
you always have been
it doesnt matter how distant you are
and for all the wrong reasons
im still here
as i gradually dismantled the love ive created myself in
we will say goodbye
and that was all
there wasnt much to say
又下雨了。这雨已经断断续续下了一整天。坐在电脑前偷偷地发呆，听着窗外的滴答声，呼吸着类似泪水掺杂的空气，是那么的舒适。总是喜欢在雨天追寻早已失去的美丽，习惯在滴答声中回忆着过去。给自己平添一些伤感，好像在雨中的伤感更让人觉得安全。因为，把心沉入雨中的忧伤能让人触摸到生命的本质。或许只有这样，我才能感觉到自己是存在的。。雨还在下，似乎越来越大，惦记你的思绪却难以收拢。雨天那依依不舍的思念，透着泥土的味道，你闻到了吗?
“I was never more alone than when you were inside me. Filled with an emptiness so profound. That you could be inside my very skin and still I couldn't touch you at all…”
aw i know that.
looking someone in the eye and knowing they dont see you.
fucking someone all over while knowing he dont love you.
exactly like the more we worship love, the better we understand loneliness.
and no matter how much more we wore, it is still terribly cold.
too eager chewing on leftovers, we choked.
okay not the best i have ever read and im unsure if i plan on reading along with the rest of the series. still, twilight strangely reminded me that i was once in love with a vampire, or at least that was what i dreamt. i want to be a vampire, so just fucking bite me i would tell him. but sparkling vampires, i just cant handle that.
what an amusing game this is
hurting each other
now looking back
i might have understood
had i only believed less
i want you to be be happy
happier without me
the only thing worthy of my agony
is your happiness
坐车，是发呆的最好时机。
靠着窗，头微微侧着，看窗外不断倒退的景象，思绪万千。
想着以前的事与愿违，心难免有点失落，有点隐隐作痛。
那种曾经的感觉，是我寻找了一大堆牵强的理由想把它留下的，
却发现它早已渐渐消逝，早已演变成一种自然的告别与放弃。
虽然明白我的坚持和执着不会让所有的一切都随着停留。
却还是习惯一个人冷眼看从前，实际不实际的，往事沥沥在目。
也许我早已心甘情愿把自己留在已失去的回忆里。
被通知梦想破灭有好些日子了，还是无法释怀。
因为有着属于自己快成真的梦想，
因为有着那一份无限的期盼，
我一直很努力的撑下去。
辛苦筹备了大半年，最终还是来不及开始便画了句号。
经过了这么久的反反复复，我的伤感一发不可收拾地存在着。
我无法掩饰那发自内心的绝望。还有那拖着走的遗憾与内疚。
仿佛感觉不到一点活着的气息。唉。。
here for his latest.
i love the way he write about loneliness like its some kind of god. it feels like he wants to save us from the tragedies. it does, but never for long enough. or maybe we dont need a heart, almost nothing left to love with. feign that it doesnt hurt. why was it so hard..
夜无语，雨无宿
红尘舞，千层埃
藏埋憾，泪无缺
彼岸花，待轮回
i knew i vowed to be stronger and look after myself. but i know i probably wont.
08年
一晃就过了
几乎没有能留下点什么
翻看了以前写的东西
曾经以为很重要的
以为很放不下的
现在回头看看
原来那么轻易的就走过
结束了
放下了
要保护自己
有尊严的过着我想要的生活
要告诫自己
从此不会再为谁痛心
this christmas we had a nice yummy dinner and hung out. we dont get to see each other often and it was nice to catch up with everyone, especially with jan when shes not wailing that much. we also had a good time telling old stories for the 1,999,99 time and spent a lot of time laughing at the silly things we used to do. all in all, it was truly an awesome evening for me.
jan is 6 months old now and growing fast. seeing her responded and smile for real when we tried to get her attention, she made it so easy for us to love her. i actually had moments where i started to think about her growing older. what kind of teenager she will be? who will she date? who will be her friends? who will hurt her for the first time? how good of a student will she be? how will she dress? how much will she love us? will she ever appreciate how hard her parents work to provide the best life possible for her? will she ever understand how deeply her godmas love her? but in the midst of all those questions, i know that she has an incredible mummy who will raise her wonderfully..
she was a sad girl
the world is big but she cant hear them
hate that smile from the corner of her lips
the kind that makes her feel like crying
快要撑不下去了。。
萍水相逢本无根
何去何从君莫问
宵寒梦短露水恩
一朝惊醒伤别恨
今生难圆鸳鸯锦
来世再续雁双飞
爱情有时候就是这样，相遇了是缘，散了也算是缘，只是浅了好多。
说真的，如果爱情是两个人永不停止的纠缠，生生相息。
那么，若是没有今生，我也不要什么来世。
there is nothing he can do for me. just like there is nothing i could do for him. not with all that distance between us. we alway dance around our words, never singing the tunes we know to be true or too true. im a jaded person, i admit. not many things impress me anymore. yet, he never fails to amaze me with his poetry, how he has taken the things that hurt and turned them into art. i bet he knew we cant change our ghosts.
you said that as long as i promised that i would never let go, its okay to mess up, its okay to feel like crap, its okay even if all i do was my infamous disappearing acts. and you said that if we held onto each other, i could beat whatever that come between, in front or behind me. somewhere between all that changing and growing older, between the many phone calls of *secret planning* and *whats the plan today*, there still lived a girl who believed in that.
hAPpY BiRthDaY
综艺大哥大里的魔术表演显然很精彩，但我依然感觉空荡荡的。总觉得闷闷的，好无聊。好想能像魔术师手中的那只鸽子一样永远消失在帽子里。再不然，如果可以把我变到一个没人认识的地方，找个陌生人好好爱一场，那会不会更精彩？心情遭透了，却说不准为什么。突然很想有个人抱抱我，让我有个可以依靠的肩膀。但我知道，根本没有人有这份力量。闷。
看着干妈疲惫的双眼，
我却只有一句节哀顺便。
面对逝去的，语言显然是无力的。
我不由自主地一直在想，
人的一辈子匆匆忙忙了几十载，
真正能留下的会是什么。
唯一能带走的会不会只剩遗憾。
虽然我不曾认识我的干婆婆。
她也不会晓得我是谁。
唯有内心默默的祝福，
希望她黄泉路上走好。
i did what i must because every second of it made me smile. maybe my decision was rash and confusing to many others but to me, i just felt the time was right to move on. all the omens were right, maybe the stars were in place too or whatever else you believe in. oka, no complex reason. ha. cuddles&puddles itself is a damn good one! in my heart i knew after all the smoke clears and the dust settles, i will be a happier person for having gone through with it.
stupid boss – Have you put up the order for the blue tubes for tkl?
me – Jus now I check wif Felicia to cfm for qty. she say will lemme noe again.
stupid boss – I sms you long time ago to put in the order right?
me – No stock how to place. KC jus told me stock in so I ask Felicia on qty tis morning.
stupid boss – You very cute, stk came in last month and I sms you to put order and now you want to argue no stk how to order?
i is simply cannot be bothered to reply and ignored his calls and went home.
have i ever mention how much i hate sitting in those waiting areas in the hospitals and clinics? and it doesnt help at all that my work place sucks. its full of people. so many i could do without. there aint really piles and piles of things. but there is enough for me to feel like it is on the verge of becoming unmanageable, especially by having silly colleagues around. i have very little patience with the stupid. i know.. i know, im not always the brightest, so maybe i ought to be more considerate. but guess what? im not. i cant deal with stupid people. i was definitely entertained in some days, but seeing how my immediate boss behaves weirdly. im pretty turned off by him many times. i didnt choose to stick those “i cant stand his face anymore” in my mind with glue. they just grew and grew and grew.. RAWR…
i fucking hate my job.
^GTfist says: u know?
inoka says: noe wat?
^GTfist says: its a small world out there.
inoka says: uh..
^GTfist says: empty small world.
inoka says: yeah i noe
^GTfist: so tired. so tired of trying to reach u.
inoka says: ..
inoka says: boo..
^GTfist says: i miss you..
inoka says: how can you miss me?
inoka says: when im rite here..
^GTfist says: but you are not here. you never are.
inoka says: ..
^GTfist says: quit your .... u can do better than that.
inoka says: ....
its a cruel small world. and hasnt it always been this way? believe or not, its shrinking alot faster than you think. you find that im harder to reach these days. dont know ever since when i realised that reaching me goes nowhere. i rather be gone but im still there listening. listening to the phone ring. unsure if i should answer. i never answer the phone anymore unless im certain its something i want to hear. and i know it never is.
sorry..
两年前的昨天，她走了，永远地离开了这个纷繁复杂的世界。
时间渐渐消逝，一转眼又到了她的祭日。两年前的那幕送别，始终清晰的萦绕在我的脑海里，凄楚的烙印在我的心灵。虽然非亲非故，但一个让我敬佩的长辈的离开，心里总是不由自主的涌起一阵阵心酸。我想很多时候，我们都只来得及遗憾却无法挽留。而我也只能一直在角落里，去希望她在另一个世界幸福的生活，希望她不会把我忘记。虽已不能相见，但每年这平常而特殊的日子，无论我身在哪里，我都会深深地把她想起，默默的哀悼。
因为太在乎，
所以让自己过得非常疲倦。
于其说疲倦，倒不如说厌倦。
所以我宁愿一个人生活，
一个人轰轰烈烈的接受事实，
一个人看潮起潮落，
一个人去过最艰难的这关。
也不要她平平淡淡的以我为耻。
今天只想说这些。
you tell lies as if i was deaf
i hear them anyway
i was too naive assuming you will come clean
all these time of allowing you to disappoint me
didnt you notice i have changed
oka maybe you win
i cant fight you any longer
i had been trying and trying to pretend
but it has become apparent that i cant fucking do it
so
i quit
他说那边正在下雨。还说除了我喜欢的雨天，一切都很美。是的，也许一切都很美，也许生活真的很美，我只是没有感觉到而已。跟他聊了些有的没的，说起十年前的我们，好遥远，却觉得那个时候好幸福。本以为这只是个单纯的问候来电，他竟说，这些年虽然断了联系，只要触碰到某个与我有关的细节，还是依然无法放下思念。只因，我曾是他心中的最爱。现在好不容易又见面了，不知还有没有机会重来。我沉默了。他突如其来的坦白让我措手不及。是不是只要当初我没迈出离开那一步，我们就能相安无事，就能幸福。
信任：是指相信而敢于托付。
Yvonne says: i was thinking about this....
Yvonne says: does it feel more hurt to have someone u truly love betray you
Yvonne says: or feel worse to have someone whom you dun love a lot, but u trusted wholeheartedly to betray you
选择欺骗的那个，背后一定有一个动人的故事。至于故事的内容，对被骗的那个已经不再重要。不知是否因为过去的打击太大，现在相信一个人都不会久。为何我不能像当初那样。为何自己会变得这么无法信任。无论如何，信任会令人容易受伤。所剩下的信念已寥寥无几，真的好可怕。我一直在想，一个什么样的人，才值得信任？信任一个人，到底需要多久的时间？不明白不明白。或许我已经丧失了信人的能力，只是现在才发现。
“I forget how much I loved her. How deep it was, how completely devouring it was to be so head over heels, totally and unconditionally in love with her. If I ever get to the point of falling in love again, I will draw her portraits, so that there will always be proof of her worth to me, for her to hold.”
别再问我为何喜欢如此。
没有什么特别的理由。
隐形，只是我恋上的一个习惯。
喜欢有一种把自己丢了的感觉来隐形。
喜欢把自己放在一个安静的角落来隐形。
没有故事，没有解释。
也许我一直都在，只是你看不见。
its okay if you hate me. i can deal with it.
or at least i imagine i could.
† L'ange Sans Ailes † says: do u believe in demons?
Inoká says: yes
Inoká says: and they only come to u when its dark and alone.
there was something in the silence between his words that made me stop and stare at that darkness we both knew so well. it was more than a little shocking to see those words typed out loud even i do know that demons are always lurking in the dark watching us, waiting for us to succumb and let them in. and i believed if we look in the darkness and not through them, we would see forever..
Don't part with your illusions.
When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. ~ Mark Twain
她：不知道他对我的爱会不会随着时间而消失？
虽然不必猜，我也不知道该怎么回答。因为时间的确可以让爱慢慢走向淡漠，乃至消失。我已经不问会爱多久。因为我发现地久天长只是童话的笑话，现实世界根本没有海誓山盟的爱情。瞬间海枯石烂的话谁都会说，听在心里的会记一辈子，说的那个可能早已忘得一干二净。
as a child i have this idea that my parents, especially my dad, knows how everything is done. i always had this idea that no matter what happened he knew what to do. it wasnt until i got much older that i realised he did not know everything, he just had to do everything to protect and raise his kids.
today i dedicate this post to my daddy, someone who is kind, gentle and very thoughtful. someone who is my source of strength, someone i love very dearly. HAPPY BIRTHDAY daddy!
the medicine is not making me any better and some nights im so tired i seriously wonder if im dead, which i guess is why i have been thinking about the dead a lot more lately. on how they must had felt, the terror and regret of accepting they were mortal. that they will be gone for eternity and others will go on without them. today i was awake fondling my thoughts on trying to remember what a dead relative or friend sounded like. im not trying to find, only attempting to prove that they still lives in my heart. but, i cant quite remember their voice at all. perhaps its better that way. erm what if im going to die tomorrow, will you remember mine?
就算死，我也会牵着你的手。
有没有人曾经告诉你，爱着时，女人总会说一些狠话，一些过份的话。因为，她不知道那个男人爱得深浅。所以，她就赌，赌她的那个男人能承受的极限。说穿了，是想赌那个男人爱自己的极限。其实，我好像也在赌。赌我的他能容忍我多少？赌他对我的爱有多深。其实只是想要试探他有多不能没有我而已。我不是不知道，如果赌赢了，我也许就能拥有幸福。如果赌输了，我就一定得到无限的痛苦。就算如此，我还是愿意去赌。因为我要知道他的爱，清清楚楚的知道。
为此，我为自己的愚蠢输得彻底。
不晓得从多久以前，
我开始把自己小心的保护起来。
所有的悲伤都选择一个人扛，
直到自己崩溃，直到自己也无能为力。
今天，我放弃学会已久的隐藏。
今天，我卸下了虚伪的微笑。
今天，我摆出一张疲倦的脸。
今天，我狠狠的放声哭泣。
我想，我是真的累了。
我想，我该试着寻找出路。
从此，我愿只是个游戏人间的戏子。
“The brave men that stayed and fought had to be very skilled so they could live to fight another day, or else they died.”
had someone really spoken to me way before about the ways in which good lifestyle habits could make aging go away i would have most likely paid closer attention, or maybe not. as much as i hate to admit to myself, i guess age is catching up with me. with bruises and muscle issues that do not heal over night the way that they used to, looking in the mirror and see that i am not who i used to be. i look different, feels different.. actually, none of this really matters much, only occasionally i feel like pieces of me are being taken away and no matter how hard i try, i cannot prevent this! tragic, just tragic. what else can i say.. boo!
close your eyes and dream with me in this unexpected rainy season, that may be the closest you ever get. this kind of rain, i do not mind. as only when the rain stop, the cage will be gone with enchantment left to know how intentionally broken we are at times before we allow ourselves to forget ourselves. so now, we live happily ever after...
stay with me
broken pieces jumbled
together in search for chaotic bliss
paint with me
pictures of past lovers
let our beautiful souls fly free
dance with me
into the shadow of mortality
forgetting together our sanity
kill with me
steal my breath counting rainbows
in ecstasy among the living dead
thanks for remembering my birthday. if angels forget you, did you really exist? what if years later, you buys a mirror and tries to nurse your battered soul and loving yourself more only to discover that you doesnt exist?
she missed talking to him. she wants to talk to him, but she dont have the slightest idea what they would have to say. she knows she could stop if she wanted to. drunken nights, her perfect excuse for missing him, is nothing unfamiliar with for her. she used to do it on purpose. she drank until it was empty, she drank until she was empty. sighz. maybe self destruction is so much more appealing then simply being destroyed.
有时候，醉与不醉，只有自己知道。
unable to look away, unable to speak. silently, i read his latest work, again and again..
it was what he wrote. where i was staring from here. something far away from here that he understood. a great notion. then, it was gone. i drifted. he drifted. we drifted.. nothing we say or write will make disappointment go away. we just need to realise that before it break our souls apart unknowingly.
its been raining for many days, on and off, outside and inside. everything before and after my birthday is saturated and heavy. i dont really feel at home with myself these days. sort of like im not really me. everything i knew had carried me this far. the truth drifting in and out, and in and out like whispers i must pretend i do not hear. so lonely this way. im not complaining. im just stating. i seem to expect people to disappoint me. its my natural tendency. disappointment is what i was prepared for. it truly is an affliction. one that i can never cure. or rather im not even remotely sure i would want to cure.
realising, it doesnt really matter, does it?
my birthday came and went in disappointment. wishes dont work. boo..
i am such a foolish girl sometimes.
i think, in my foolish head, that if i think really hard i could send out telepathic miracles to make everything alright again. silly silly me.. you know what? i am not even going to bother anymore.
no more cryptic messages, no more signals, no more telling how i truly feels. sighz..
whatever.
even now, though he is silent, accompanying beside while i blog, i hear his breathing. it has settled in my heart somewhere. i can listen to it in moments like these. he can stay near me this way for hours, his cutest face when i tickle him a little. where else can i find this blessing of pure love, without any apologies..
原来，爱真的可以很简单。
how do you make love to a toy.
or rather how do you fuck a toy.
one wrong distracting shot.
that is all it fucking takes.
to drain the life out of that toy.
it does not matter maybe.
after all, that toy will only be, just a toy.
又能怎样？
my left thumb has a torn ligament from hitting "space" too hard and too often. my heart has a unbearable void from missing "you" too much and too often. im in so much pain. and non of which you can ease.
consider it a whisper that you didnt really hear.
still im going to say it anyway.
its scary to take full responsibility for myself.
i could just as easily have meant,
its actually really sad for me,
to feel so shitty, all over in my head..
tears fallen on sealed lips
hiding inescapable regrets
unquestionable pain
sadness beyond measure
sorrows that might never ever be buried
。
。
。
。
我怎么可以如此的残忍
我没有哭，我只是在流泪。
i see the way u love me,
i just never write it down.
one blink and its all gone.
its strange how that happens,
too often.
so with nothing left to try,
i decided to close my eyes.
not to sleep or to hide,
but to feel vulnerable.
i closed my eyes,
i exhaled.
and i shut you out.
遗忘你我才可以拯救我自己。
"It seems to me that almost all our sadness are moments of tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer hear our astonished emotions living." - Rainer Maria Rilke
i am angry
i am disappointed
i fucking hate you
DONT say anything if you dont fucking meant it at all!
there are only that many times i can allow someone to let me down before i cant handle the disappointment anymore. when things change, people change, it simply means accepting things were not meant to be. there is a point in life when i get tired of chasing the truth from the heart. trying to fix everything because ive come to realise that in the end, everyone turns out to be the person they swore they will never become.
和大伙吃饭时谈起了西藏。
西藏你去过了吗？
西藏，那是一个什么样的地方？
曾听很多的人说过，最梦想去西藏。
那是一个离蓝天白云最近的地方。
似伸出手就可以抓住整个世界。
但对我而言，西藏，即可怕而又神秘。
因为许多人说过，在那里若是病了，容易引起休克。
我是一个生来大病小病不断的女人。
如去了，会因感冒而客死异乡，肯定不能活着回来。
我想，也许有一天，我会去西藏。
去看看所谓的人间天堂，然后选择死亡。
there is nothing gain from the where do we go from here.
and the lets try it all again is not going to work either.
other then knowing alone is better.
we can only find our own way to atonement.
to remember this love when it matters most.
so lets just move on from here.
as this is the only way out.
for the both of us.
医：把烟戒了吧。
我：不要。
my feet are numb
my tummy feels numb
even my left thumb is numb
im feeling numb
in every places except where i would like to be
on second thought
exhale lightly
maybe i should treasure these numb moments
they might be the only ones i will ever truly feel
if someone asked you
where would you spend eternity
how would you answer
10 fucking mins has passed.
a couple is still yelling at each other.
the shouting outside my window is so depressing.
im tempted to close my curtains, again.
so i dont have to deal with it.
given another 10 mins,
the man might stab the woman in the heart with a kitchen knife.
she would be crushed and bled to death, wide eyes open.
realizing he was still very much in love with her, jumps to his death.
maybe i should call the cops.
no, i should just let them strangle each other.
15 mins,
all was suddenly silent.
i wondered if that was the sound of letting go.
them
two women met
old friends maybe
with nothing in common anymore
except the man between them
and their past
i cant remember the last time
we spoke on the phone
you said you want to quit smoking
i cant register the words
can you quit me instead
because the heart that beats for you
is suddenly silent
"There are no secrets in this world, only stories" – Mutiso
feeding and sleeping at the same time. baby’s trademark? did not see much changes in her features, still as tiny in size and so pretty! i wonder if she dreams at all now..
shir and lizzie went to design and print the god-ma tees for us to wear. it was really cute the way our faces were sketched.. or rather animated? so comical, especially mine. haha..
its hardly a secret that i do not want to have a child yet. but today, carrying her in my arms close to my heart, with every little movements touches me in a way i havent experienced before, i actually felt the desire to be a mother. i couldnt believe my eyes. then again, i wrote these words myself. lolx..
just the 5 of us. we made a choice. we chose eachother. ladies who make me laugh, who chases me around the room and tries to chew my finger, ladies who are just as crazy under their beauty, who tells me to shut up when i should, who will be there when i need. and who i can be nothing but myself with. meme, ada, lizzie, joanne and shireen.
im so falling in love!!
he is hot, he is smooth, he is cool and he is so mine!
he might not be as fast as the red evo and white wrx..
but YAY anyway!
*grinz*
i can handle bad hair day.
i can handle terrible traffic delay.
i can handle long flights without smoking.
i can definitely handle junk calls from people who wants to sell me shit i dont need.
BUT waking up to a modem that loses its connection,
no matter what i do,
i fucking lose my temper!
LF’s responses to my work had usually been mentally intense for me, always forcing my mind to wander deeper, distracting my laziness, bringing me steps closer to my next work. now reading this, i am lost. inescapably lost in this beautiful poem. all i felt was a feeling of calm and serenity. its like nothing could hurt, not here, not ever. hmm, very intoxicating.
maybe if i stare at this poem long enough, i might actually convinced myself that its no longer painful..
