jaded

i feel so sick today and slept thru mostly. yet i was forced to wake blindly at wee hours, struggling to complete my key accounts management report which is due tomorrow morning. its almost 3am now and im not even close to being done. gosh. how much more can i do this?! surrender seems to be the best option. think im going back to bed..


dumb dumb report

“The brave men that stayed and fought had to be very skilled so they could live to fight another day, or else they died.”

one day, i will meet you here

had someone really spoken to me way before about the ways in which good lifestyle habits could make aging go away i would have most likely paid closer attention, or maybe not. as much as i hate to admit to myself, i guess age is catching up with me. with bruises and muscle issues that do not heal over night the way that they used to, looking in the mirror and see that i am not who i used to be. i look different, feels different.. actually, none of this really matters much, only occasionally i feel like pieces of me are being taken away and no matter how hard i try, i cannot prevent this! tragic, just tragic. what else can i say.. boo!

soul & ashes

close your eyes and dream with me in this unexpected rainy season, that may be the closest you ever get. this kind of rain, i do not mind. as only when the rain stop, the cage will be gone with enchantment left to know how intentionally broken we are at times before we allow ourselves to forget ourselves. so now, we live happily ever after...

stay with me
broken pieces jumbled
together in search for chaotic bliss

paint with me
pictures of past lovers
let our beautiful souls fly free

dance with me
into the shadow of mortality
forgetting together our sanity

kill with me
steal my breath counting rainbows
in ecstasy among the living dead

thanks for remembering my birthday. if angels forget you, did you really exist? what if years later, you buys a mirror and tries to nurse your battered soul and loving yourself more only to discover that you doesnt exist?

愁更愁

she missed talking to him. she wants to talk to him, but she dont have the slightest idea what they would have to say. she knows she could stop if she wanted to. drunken nights, her perfect excuse for missing him, is nothing unfamiliar with for her. she used to do it on purpose. she drank until it was empty, she drank until she was empty. sighz. maybe self destruction is so much more appealing then simply being destroyed.

有时候，醉与不醉，只有自己知道。

soul speaks

Tear it down,
Your fake honesty
Take it away,
Your idle hypocrisy

Stop it now,
Your pretty lies
Shatter it all,
Your empty promises

Let me be,
A disappointed slumber
Let me be,
My imperfect dreams

by l’ange sans ailes

unable to look away, unable to speak. silently, i read his latest work, again and again..

it was what he wrote. where i was staring from here. something far away from here that he understood. a great notion. then, it was gone. i drifted. he drifted. we drifted.. nothing we say or write will make disappointment go away. we just need to realise that before it break our souls apart unknowingly.

s.w.o.o.s.h.i.n.g expectations

its been raining for many days, on and off, outside and inside. everything before and after my birthday is saturated and heavy. i dont really feel at home with myself these days. sort of like im not really me. everything i knew had carried me this far. the truth drifting in and out, and in and out like whispers i must pretend i do not hear. so lonely this way. im not complaining. im just stating. i seem to expect people to disappoint me. its my natural tendency. disappointment is what i was prepared for. it truly is an affliction. one that i can never cure. or rather im not even remotely sure i would want to cure.

realising, it doesnt really matter, does it?

卸下了

my birthday came and went in disappointment. wishes dont work. boo..

i am such a foolish girl sometimes.
i think, in my foolish head, that if i think really hard i could send out telepathic miracles to make everything alright again. silly silly me.. you know what? i am not even going to bother anymore.
no more cryptic messages, no more signals, no more telling how i truly feels. sighz..

whatever.

要命的感觉

i am so…

in pain.
in doubt.

and extremely

exhausted.

简单爱

even now, though he is silent, accompanying beside while i blog, i hear his breathing. it has settled in my heart somewhere. i can listen to it in moments like these. he can stay near me this way for hours, his cutest face when i tickle him a little. where else can i find this blessing of pure love, without any apologies..

原来，爱真的可以很简单。

mere sex fools

how do you make love to a toy.
or rather how do you fuck a toy.
one wrong distracting shot.
that is all it fucking takes.
to drain the life out of that toy.
it does not matter maybe.
after all, that toy will only be, just a toy.

又能怎样？

体无完肤

my left thumb has a torn ligament from hitting "space" too hard and too often. my heart has a unbearable void from missing "you" too much and too often. im in so much pain. and non of which you can ease.

nothing in between

爱得真，爱得纯，爱得深。
不会有欺骗，不会有伤害。

一个人撑

consider it a whisper that you didnt really hear.
still im going to say it anyway.
its scary to take full responsibility for myself.
i could just as easily have meant,
its actually really sad for me,
to feel so shitty, all over in my head..

错

tears fallen on sealed lips
hiding inescapable regrets
unquestionable pain
sadness beyond measure
sorrows that might never ever be buried

。
。

。

。

我怎么可以如此的残忍

contusion elsewhere

my newest bruised spot hurt massively when von poked it this morning. i actually saw stars and almost passed out. ok, overly exaggerating a fair bit here. still, it was very sore to the lightest touch. i was very sensitive and extremely careful not to let anyone come close at all.. yet, as much as it hurts, im grateful for having this pain. it is a reminder of bruises i had previously that faded, pain that subsided and eventually disappeared. i do know my heart will go through this pain with the bruised spot waiting for its very own recovery..

我没有哭，我只是在流泪。

reversed heartbeats

i see the way u love me,
i just never write it down.
one blink and its all gone.
its strange how that happens,
too often.

so with nothing left to try,
i decided to close my eyes.
not to sleep or to hide,
but to feel vulnerable.
i closed my eyes,
i exhaled.
and i shut you out.

遗忘你我才可以拯救我自己。

bitter soda

"It seems to me that almost all our sadness are moments of tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer hear our astonished emotions living." - Rainer Maria Rilke

i am angry
i am disappointed
i fucking hate you

反反複複

DONT say anything if you dont fucking meant it at all!

there are only that many times i can allow someone to let me down before i cant handle the disappointment anymore. when things change, people change, it simply means accepting things were not meant to be. there is a point in life when i get tired of chasing the truth from the heart. trying to fix everything because ive come to realise that in the end, everyone turns out to be the person they swore they will never become.

好陌生。。。。。

heaven of death

和大伙吃饭时谈起了西藏。
西藏你去过了吗？
西藏，那是一个什么样的地方？
曾听很多的人说过，最梦想去西藏。
那是一个离蓝天白云最近的地方。
似伸出手就可以抓住整个世界。
但对我而言，西藏，即可怕而又神秘。
因为许多人说过，在那里若是病了，容易引起休克。
我是一个生来大病小病不断的女人。
如去了，会因感冒而客死异乡，肯定不能活着回来。
我想，也许有一天，我会去西藏。
去看看所谓的人间天堂，然后选择死亡。

绕来绕去，终

there is nothing gain from the where do we go from here.
and the lets try it all again is not going to work either.
other then knowing alone is better.
we can only find our own way to atonement.
to remember this love when it matters most.
so lets just move on from here.
as this is the only way out.

for the both of us.

buy myself a reason

医：把烟戒了吧。
我：不要。

有人说过抽烟的女人往往都是有好多故事，我好像深信这句话。烟对于我是一种心理的需要。静静的点一支烟，深深地吸上一口，是一种满足。它可以把那些想忘的，不想忘的，通通吸进肺里，然后灰飞烟灭。。

工作

this is all there is on my new work desk. nothing fancy, just essentials. current boss mentioned to me before this company function like a big happy family. booo! so untrue. most co-workers are damn self-centered. abit abit complain, plenty of arrows flying around. love is definitely not in the air. i miss the girls… rawr!!

von and me in this really pretty washroom during our recent visit to our client in bukit timah area. plenty of driving around for me. so tiring and im beginning to hate driving! grrr.. mc today, back to work tomorrow. dangz.. TGIF!!

对自己说的

天將降大任於斯人也，必心磨其心智，勞其筋骨。

早已麻木

my feet are numb
my tummy feels numb
even my left thumb is numb
im feeling numb
in every places except where i would like to be
on second thought
exhale lightly
maybe i should treasure these numb moments
they might be the only ones i will ever truly feel

if someone asked you
where would you spend eternity
how would you answer

极限

10 fucking mins has passed.
a couple is still yelling at each other.
the shouting outside my window is so depressing.
im tempted to close my curtains, again.
so i dont have to deal with it.

given another 10 mins,
the man might stab the woman in the heart with a kitchen knife.
she would be crushed and bled to death, wide eyes open.
realizing he was still very much in love with her, jumps to his death.

maybe i should call the cops.
no, i should just let them strangle each other.

15 mins,
all was suddenly silent.
i wondered if that was the sound of letting go.

simon says forget

you cant when you try fucking hard
you will when you actually give up

boo!

fallen petals

them

two women met
old friends maybe
with nothing in common anymore
except the man between them
and their past

i cant remember the last time
we spoke on the phone

you said you want to quit smoking
i cant register the words
can you quit me instead
because the heart that beats for you
is suddenly silent

"There are no secrets in this world, only stories" – Mutiso

janelle's 1st month

feeding and sleeping at the same time. baby’s trademark? did not see much changes in her features, still as tiny in size and so pretty! i wonder if she dreams at all now..

shir and lizzie went to design and print the god-ma tees for us to wear. it was really cute the way our faces were sketched.. or rather animated? so comical, especially mine. haha..

its hardly a secret that i do not want to have a child yet. but today, carrying her in my arms close to my heart, with every little movements touches me in a way i havent experienced before, i actually felt the desire to be a mother. i couldnt believe my eyes. then again, i wrote these words myself. lolx..

just the 5 of us. we made a choice. we chose eachother. ladies who make me laugh, who chases me around the room and tries to chew my finger, ladies who are just as crazy under their beauty, who tells me to shut up when i should, who will be there when i need. and who i can be nothing but myself with. meme, ada, lizzie, joanne and shireen.

as cocky as it may sound. im going to say it anyway. i think we are all very cute! ha.

my 1731

im so falling in love!!
he is hot, he is smooth, he is cool and he is so mine!
he might not be as fast as the red evo and white wrx..
but YAY anyway!

*grinz*

rawrrrrrrrrrrr

i can handle bad hair day.
i can handle terrible traffic delay.
i can handle long flights without smoking.
i can definitely handle junk calls from people who wants to sell me shit i dont need.
BUT waking up to a modem that loses its connection,
no matter what i do,

i fucking lose my temper!

谈何容易

how can i let go of the questions i ask but was never answered?

drips twinkle

Breathtaking..

LF’s responses to my work had usually been mentally intense for me, always forcing my mind to wander deeper, distracting my laziness, bringing me steps closer to my next work. now reading this, i am lost. inescapably lost in this beautiful poem. all i felt was a feeling of calm and serenity. its like nothing could hurt, not here, not ever. hmm, very intoxicating.

Do not say sorry, for you are meant to err
Hold my hands and free yourself
That the thrills of soaring have been waiting
For you always had angel's wings

Do not say sorry, for you are meant to err
Rest in my arms to be in eternal nirvana
Kiss my eyes and your eyes shall never tear
And I shall lay with you and bear your sins

maybe if i stare at this poem long enough, i might actually convinced myself that its no longer painful..

drip by drip

was inspired and wrote this sometime back after reading Warrior by LF but did not post it as somehow it didnt feels right lolx. after a slight amendment earlier, still not good enough but well, here it goes..

i am sorry, i am only a human.
very restricted yet often wonder about the freedom of flying.
pretending i found liberty and the thrills of soaring.
convinced myself that i can flutter without angel’s wings.

i am sorry, i am only a human.
could you hug my imperfect state that i currently wallow in?
could you make the last tears gone and stop my suffering?
could you lay me down and forgive me for all my sins?

oh another one by LF that i screen-shot in a hurry. i supposed he did that one in like about 5 mins?

if you look close

你让我把
所有的难过
通通的悲伤
廉价卖给你
我的存货太满
要怎么卖
不是我不肯
而是你的包袱太小了
根本装不下

for her i will

she is growing older each day.
maybe one day she might.
maybe she never will.
still, i want to do my part.
and begin again, with proper spellings.

off divin board

Lex*King says:
kewel!
Lex*King says:
OPS! jewel i mean. =)
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
boo
Lex*King says:
how are you?
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
still alive?
Lex*King says:
damn! your blog brings heartache.
my heart aches for you with almost every single entries.
what happened to you princess?
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
am ok le..
Lex*King says:
but u sounded heartbroken.
who bullied u? tell me i’ll go punch him when i come back sg. =)
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
dun punch, kill can?
Lex*King says:
......
Lex*King says:
seriously, whoever it was who broke your heart,
it’s only a matter of time before he realized you were too good for him.
i just wish you could see it too. =)
and please stop wasting your beautiful eyes on someone who is blind.
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
wah?
Lex*King says:
just remember you deserved the best and only the best.
and he obviously weren't it.
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
wow..
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
wey some gals said dat to u issit lolx..
Lex*King says:
hell no! i’m a nice guy.
i don’t break girls’ heart. =)
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
lolx…
Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:
joyce? u broke her heart, i rem.. u ass..
Lex*King says:
shsss!

infact, jus weeks ago i was lookin for a rope to hang myself wif but rite now im mostly feelin ok, wif a hint of apathy. i duuno if its the anticipation of finalizin decisions/stuffs and the ‘lettin go’ part lingerin close or am mental blockin the sadness. at least glad im better already. tings are changin like they always do and the onli diff is dat i finalli learnt to forget. although tis isnt happiness yet but well, my life is turnin out to be not so miserable, aft all...

see, im right, men are all liars!

P.O the panda

kung fu panda is hilarious, it made me laff. so, kung fu panda is a good movie. at least for me. yet, aft the movie, i begin to feel life bores me. i wish thr was someting mystical wif special powers, elves, fairies, witches, fumin dragons even. anyting to lift our ordinary souls, to embrace extraordinary lives. how i wish i could perform someting special, not realli kung fu types but like communicate wif dogs, be invisible, predict random stuffs, read minds, telekinesis, mayb grow wings and fly.. instead, i read, write, shop, play games, eat and sleep. how borin. if onli thr was more den wat we actualli noe. wake up wake up, its impossible. if i do haf special powers, wun i be a super hero already savin the world? or mayb i do haf someting special aft all.. i haf compassion and the ability to forgive. bleahz.

in quenya, bfore headin off to bed, you say gdnite tis way..
ouel du. amin autien rath..

janelle

ta-dah! janelle, the lovely baby frm a perfect pair jason & joanne, was born 3^rd june, weightin at 2.8kg. or was it 28kg? omg 28 like alot. so shld be 2.8 lolx. wootz am officially a god-mummy!!

isnt she gorgeous? tiny fingers, tiny toes and a realli cute nose, she is so small and oh so very cute! her features pretty, it was a carbon copy of joanne. like mummy like daughter i guess.. i actualli wanted to hold her but dismissed the idea as was too afraid dat i might jus drop her if she starts wailin. lolx. ok, im not a baby person but i promise ill try to be the best god-ma!

a baby changes tings and life will nvr be the same am sure, even slp will become a ‘mayb’ for the new parents. while searchin for wat makes their hearts twirl, the future oso meant a time of great stress and readjustment for the 3Js. but yeah, like wat they say, all is worthy as janelle grows to be the sweetest gal, healthy and blessed wif good tings in life. so buckle up JJs, its time for the ride of yr lives!

im sure jus like me, von cant wait for her to grow more and hear her cute giggles. i wonder if its realli gonna be wif ‘ga ga’s and ‘goo goo’s like ive seen wif most babies and their parents. but i dun tink i will start playin wif the many ‘aahin’s, ‘ooh ga ga’s and silly peek-a-boo’s.. ha!

like an angel, she enchants everyone and most of us spent time lingerin ard her temporary crib, tryin to catch a glimpse of her, half closed eyes and smilin. her adorable smile took most of our breaths away, even though her cries gave me a headache, bleah. and oh, besides me, tis little princess has gotten herself 3 other god-mummies to show her the world and shower her wif plenty of hugs and kisses. i bet she can feel the love oready!

彻底看清

如果真的要骗，为何不把猫尾藏好一点？
如果真需要骗，为何还是要让我发现？

他的自以为可以瞒天过海，他的被发现后的理直气壮，让人很讨厌。
因为不能再被他的谎言杀得片甲不留，我将选择用那 “眼不见为净”的苦训，把他从心底连根拔起。所以我会删除关于他的一切。埋葬不了他，至少可以埋葬自己。埋葬不了过去，至少可以埋葬现在。我也会逼自己断绝所有可能的退路，来保证从此不见。也许男人根本便是世上最不可信的动物。什么东西最可靠？什么东西最信得过？最可信的，其实也只有自己了。

累了。轻轻地关掉我的博客，轻轻地关掉全世界。
轻轻的告诉自己，我的世界里不会再有他。

continuation of lust

To be continued

she lured him into the fittin room, wif a mischievous smirk and two buttons undone frm her dress.he moved closer, grabbed her waist and left a string of scorchin kisses along her throat. as he sealed her lips to his wif a sweet suction, she swayed slightly, rubbin her hips against the fly of his pants. he was blissfully aroused by the time she took his hardness to her mouth wif so sweet a yearnin. lickin away every forbidden desire, every ragin thirst for her sins..(written by Inoka)...

(and continued)...

He slid his hands thru the luscious strands of her hair, clasping the back of her head. He guided her burning lips to match his momentum, rocking his hips to match her sunken cheeks. He gazed down upon her, watching her head bob furiously against his groin, her eyes glazed in ecstasy. Gripping his thighs for support, she quickened her pace, driving him deeper and faster into her mouth. The sensation was driving him insane, his mind in a mad swirl, lost in time and space. She could feel his thigh muscles tensing up, becoming harder as she fastened her pace, turning her on even more. Finally she heard him swore and he slid himself out of her, pulling himself away from her.

Taking a deep breath, he grabbed her arms and pulled her up against the mirror. Looking straight into her eyes, he spoke with such intensity that she swore could tear her soul apart.

"I want you".

The words shot thru her like a stroke of lighting and her pelvis trembled with uncontrollable desire....

xplosive and sexy.. i couldnt haf continued it better.. =)

wissy

when myths fades, wiss became a gal who naturally disappeared.
she had ceased to exist. it was not suicide, yet a cruel sudden death.
it was an error, someting they cant quite explain, in words or actions.

fuck you very much acclaim!

forbidden truth

"Stepping closer to her, he placed both hands on her slender shoulders. He lowered his head till his nose was nearly touching her head and took a deep breath. The scent of her hair was entralling, like the scent of a thousand flowers interwined together in the most beautiful unsion. He slid his hands along her shoulders, sliding down slowly along her arms till he found her palms. She responded, interlocking her fingers with his, letting him embrace her. She leaned back against his body, nestling her head just below his jaw. She had never felt so much comfort in a long time." written by Liquidfire

mr lf, am not quite up to writin like yrs, love like a fairy tale. the kind we imagined to be real. or perhaps its me. i jus dun remember once upon a fuckin time or understand any happily ever aft. i nvr found em but sometimes, i still look. yeah u shld try writin full time.

she lured him into the fittin room, wif a mischievous smirk and two buttons undone frm her dress.
he moved closer, grabbed her waist and left a string of scorchin kisses along her throat. as he sealed her lips to his wif a sweet suction, she swayed slightly, rubbin her hips against the fly of his pants. he was blissfully aroused by the time she took his hardness to her mouth wif so sweet a yearnin. lickin away every forbidden desire, every ragin thirst for her sins..

erm, i duuno how to continue. lolx

realm of silence

今天是你的生日。除了希望你会快乐，
我不晓得可以对你说的还剩些什么。
我始终，还是欠了一句，对不起。

不再

当心彻底死去的时候，我不知道，我还剩下了什么。

如果有一天，你能再走进我的世界，你一定会流泪，

因为那里都是你给的悲伤。

carpe diem

the past weeks ive been havin terrible emotions and my mind has been thinkin a lot. past, present or even future. cant believe it or cant accept it, i couldnt realli tell the difference. the future, im not quite ready. i cant see em at all. my past, the memories still so strict. ive yet to forget and let go. i seriously wonder is thr anywhr else i could be.. my soul dat used to bling bling doesnt shine anymore. i wonder if i could sparkle again. truth is, i wan to feel happier, i wan to be happy. but the more i pursue, the less it is within my grasp.

you saw all dat, din you lizzie? thr are so many kind words in dat card dat healed me at least once. readin it, i almost burst into tears. lotsa drops of pain and sorrow i drank when all dat was written was all dat i couldnt achieved. den silently i told myself my pain is no big deal. its no big deal, its no big deal.. no big deal. keep repeatin til its real. my life depends on tis. suddenly i realised its all abt tis, me tryin not to die.

i noe hope is onli an illusion but i guess, its time to be brave.

fade

mirror, mirror on the fuckin wall. who is the fairest of em all? “you dunno..” dats wat yr ans would be. well, lemme tell you a little secret. its not her..

screamin silently in pain on a daily expense. cryin in absolute vain became a bad habit. all these unbearable sadness, is onli drivin her insane. pls, she needs help. she prayed for amnesia. otherwise, pls gif her more pain den she could handle. make her hurt more. she is almost dead now anyway. tis pain is too much for her to take. can barely see. can hardly even breath.

she noes you do not want her here.
she will disappear she will disappear..

death would be merciful.

baby, when you think abt dat girl whose gone and dat moments lived forever. she hope you smile.

you will remember her de hor?

fools comfort

the sudden crash of thunder, those sudden movements and all the loud noises . ive become unused to it. i startle easily. i dunno why. i gotta stop the intruders. stop tryin to steal all dat is left in me. stop stealin my mind away.

i hate tis. i realli and truly hate all these..

fuck!

be..yond repa.....ir

Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:

i read tis somewhr

Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:

i tink it make sense

Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:

a broken heart is like a broken mirror

it is better to leave it broken den hurt yrself tryin to fix it

Yvonne says:

wear glove to fix it lor

Yvonne says:

hurt is lessen

Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:

like dat oso can

Yvonne says:

=p

Yvonne says:

tell me got crack i can accept lah

Yvonne says:

nt to fix it i dun agree

Inoká Nai elyë hiruva! Namárië! says:

haiz

Yvonne says:

but a cracked mirror which serves its purpose is nt all that bad

Yvonne says:

is whether u can accept looking at a crack mirror not

ive always thot thr will be enuff time, for wateva it was i was supposed to fix, given time.. but now i noe thr nvr was. cracked or broken, is irrelevant. either way, its still flawed. willin or not, eventualli discarded.

ive found my mirror.
all dat is left to do is break it.

depleted cure

am not talkin to myself

i hear the demon and angel debatin
they talk and talk and talk
so many of those i could i will i must not
on and on and on

their rantin is obvious
cant ignore em
so much to listen
so much noting
the truth they speak is everywhr
cept whr it belongs

it always come back deeper den it left
it still weights so much

turn off the monitor lights
stop seein wat isnt thr

let me go
i need to fall

sorrow is E.X.Q.U.I.S.I.T.E

kindness (inspired by jacin)
a compilation of whispers
dat are voiced
comin frm the heart

i dun realli remember or recognise ever bein truly happy. i do remember times i was distracted frm my discontent like durin fabulous sex. hehz. its not exactly depression. not quite sadness. mayb its jus who i am. i actualli take delight in genuine sorrow. not jus the sort dat comes frm bein hurt mentally, not jus frm bad gossips or love issues, not the kind of sadness frm personal problems. im talkin abt the sorrow shared wif the hoverin grey clouds dat gather outside the window on stormy evenins. even fallen leaves sadden me at times. generally, i is fell in love wif the sorrow dat builds up inside hearts becos there are no ans to the important qns of the loneliest. lets jus conclude dat mayb my memory is defective and it only saves the bad stuff. im sure thr haf to haf been good old happy times. thr haf to haf been and its my fault becos i haf forgotten how to remember em.

fallen (inspired by scarlet)
spiralin down slowly
slippin deeply
towards our deaths

i guess wat realli drove u or even me, more den misery is vanity. to be loved enuff and i supposed thr will be no happiness to be found in anyone until we first find it in ourselves. erm dat is, if we ever do. so at times, mayb it will be easier to live wif yrself if you can bypass the whole livin aspect. sometimes its better to be wat you haf become den to be who you are. dats wat i became. i fell in love wif sorrows, it became part of me. is like if you are out in the middle of the ocean you can try to swim back to shore, but whether you do or whether you dun is of little consequence. either way, you drown. its merely a matter of preference decidin if you want to die tryin or jus let it happen.

our CLOSURE

frm the moment we fell in love. it all went wrong. it always has been. becos i made it so. we started out wantin jus a little and soon we duuno how to escape it. even when we knew we had too much. i thot i was punishin myself when i left. i jus never imagined it could matter to him as well. sadly, he told me wat i needed to hear, and i believed him. coz i can hear him. everyting he never said. i cant make it rite, wouldnt even try. mayb im jus waitin for the rite time to say i dun remember..

so dun u remember, dun u dare. its not ours to keep anymore..

close enuff to happiness to noe tis wasnt it..

一直处于迷茫中，有一种感情无法对身边人诉说，因它来的那么突然，那么不该。但却又是那么真实。这种关系，有点暧昧，却不见得过分。倒像是我们之间原本就有的默契或者是谁欠了谁的，所以心甘情愿。我和他，看起来比友谊多，做起来又比爱情少。彼此需要才是存在的理由吧。一开始就知道没有结果，却傻傻的愿意在相互之间穿梭盘旋，让心中一直模糊的影子在现实中慢慢清晰。但，我们最终还是不同世界的人。

有人说，想永远拥有一份爱情的办法就是失去它。现在说出了，我们却疏远了。疏远的，连我们都不知道究竟是为什么。原本还可以当没变的我们，却疏远了。原来有些感情一旦冲出，我们便只能选择从此陌路。好像真的回不去了，因为我们其实都已经不再拥有最初的情感。我的执著与他的不肯定已经把我们改变了。

我也不知道怎么说。但要忘记一个很喜欢，很在乎，为他哭过的人，也许一辈子也忘不了。只有劝自己说。爱他，就希望他幸福。所以只有选择默默的，静静的，回忆着和他一起的开心，而不去打扰他。因为现在的我相信最深刻，最刻骨铭心的爱，不一定会陪着我们到老。。

说到这里，我心快被撕裂了。他，却依然看不见。

he was my fantasy
till he became reality
and disappeared

沉

its so easy to be ignorant when tucked onto a pillow, aslp. peaceful wif no trace of worries to see. its easy to find perspective in such beautiful loneliness. there are no heroes here. no villains. jus me. waitin for dream fairies to be lenient, bestowin me my deserved happily ever after...

两年

i cant.

you wont..

HOW?

me

I feel her loneliness, her emptiness and at the same time her longing for love that she somehow cannot achieve. I wonder has she lost faith in love or just that the "one" for her is lost somewhere? Or maybe the love she lusts for, does not exist in this realistic, cruel world at all......

你的担忧，我读不到一半，哭了。

你 想对我说的，我都明白。我不是没努力尝试去忘记该忘的，想忘的。结果还是徒劳无功的把那遗憾记的更清楚。我也很想在这深不见底的迷惘里，找个理由，让自己 浮上来。可，偏偏我却只找到了一大堆的理所当然，继续往下沉。可能我真的已经慢慢习惯，习惯了迷茫的活着，习惯了窒息的味道，习惯了那种慢慢下沉的感觉。

对你们而言，我感染的是伤感的疾病。一个已终生不愈的疾病。对我，那是我仅剩还可依赖的虚幻梦境。也正因为想一直留在这梦里，我就要习惯一个人。最后，我能为自己做的，是将那永远无法填补的空缺留下来。抱着它留给我的痛，安分守己的与心底最深处相依为命。。

empty abyss

i haf no idea how he look like, feel like, taste like.
yet, he is all i can tink of..
wake me up pls, i do not wan to dream any more.

it was noting beautiful.

two strangers catch eachother’s names,

yearnin for a story to begin.

it was a beautiful noting.

two strangers fall in love.

and den forget, eachother.

it was noting anyway.

jus strangers, in lover's clothes.

noting to say realli. everyting's a void. everyting's blank.
i guess if the feelin isnt real enuff for us to hold on to,
theres oways the option to let it fall.

空

saw tis online and i wonder..

A focus on existence
Existentialism tends to focus on the question of human existence — the feeling that there is no purpose, indeed nothing, at the core of existence. Finding a way to counter this nothingness, by embracing existence, is the fundamental theme of existentialism, and the root of the philosophy's name. Given that someone who believes in reality might be called a "realist", and someone who believes in a deity might be called a "deist", therefore someone who believes fundamentally only in existence, and seeks to find meaning in his or her life solely by embracing existence, is an existentialist.

am i? do i? can i? will i?

liz used to say when her pal gets drunk, she goes on autopilot. lets jus say wifout the influence of alcohol, is it possible to put ones self on autopilot mode? to shut down ones mind and move at a routine pace like a zombie or a robot. to tink of nothin. to see nothin. to feel nothin. to be nothin. to perceive wat one is told to tink. to witness wat one is onli supposed to see. to feel nothin and nothin seen. no emotions involved. no wilds thots destroyin the soul. nothin felt. a mere numb machine.

yes, if onli..

too deep..

我似无法好起来，
也没决定要往哪走。
所以，不能答应让你陪我。