my voice was filled with tears, "lolo? are you really here?" i walk towards him as he did the same and i could feel the sadness in his eyes as if they were saying, "no. but i wish i could be.." i hugged him and i woke up.
exactly a month. i kind of cant believe im still talking about this. grief is a weird thing.
im know im feeling better already. just that sometimes i get overwhelmed with emptiness that only lolo could fill and those days are harder than others. anyway, most of the time im fine, im not sitting around grieving all the time, i do things, i laugh at silly people and their jokes, i dont cry 90% daily anymore but then it sneaks up on me and im not okay. it always starts off as remembering good times, but its really hard to avoid the heartache. maybe because i kept all his stuffs with me, although extremely painful to look at, i cant bring myself to dispose them. not yet.
lolo spent 12 years at my side. he was always right there beside me, at home and in the bedroom and in the car and always outside the bathroom waiting, while i shower. no matter what happened, he was right there, devoted to me. i just know, if i were to one day walked straight into hell, lolo would have been right there beside, braving hell fire with me.
words i still wish he hears..
baby boy, you could not have known as much, but i gave you everything with my heart, it was the hardest decision i ever made and when you left, you took me with you, and i can never get it back. i feel guilty for every time over the past 12 years where i was busy with nothing important and would tell you "go sleep lolo" instead of stopping what i was doing and loving you more. i feel like i let you down, and i cannot forgive myself. i can only hope there is really a rainbow bridge and you are happy. wait for me..
you will forever be a hero. my only hero.
