悟

i finalli see wat ive become.
ive become the ting ive been fightin.
ive become the ting you desired.

ive become the ting you do not want.

one word, one bitter tear, my stilled tired heart, i lost my way..

缺

w.r.o.n.g ~ a word too harsh for my jaded heart..

无助

9 June

i had a very startlin nitemare. it instilled wat felt like very real fear. i jumped and rushed to her bedrm onli to find her missin.. her rm light was on. she went somewhr, in a hurry..

2pm she was havin her jab at nearby clinic.
4pm she started to vomit. i had to get her dinner so she can take her pills. liver mee-sua she said. went to bedok aft many smses, seekin for a liver mee-sua stall.
8pm adrian fetch me to bedok. bought the mee-sua, came home. she ate 2 mouthful and started to puke again. the pukin din stop.
9pm the boys and von came over for mj..
11pm wanted to send her to hospital. she refused.

10 June

12am to 4am all i could do was reheat her heat pad and constant checkin if she was any better.
635am my fone rang. its angela. she cant take the pain and requested to go haf another jab, same clinic. gp refused to jab her. insisted we send her to kk.
645am jon fetch us. 180 on CTE. i did not stop the speedin. my mind was somewhr else.
655am reached kk A&E, doc wanted her to stay for observation cos she might need blood transfusion. she refused. nutin the doc could do, gave her the jab she wanted.
745am took her oral medic for her, brought her home. she fell aslp in the car. 90 on CTE.
8am home. ready her heat pad. put her to bed.

she promised if the pain worsen, i can bring her back for admittance. i promised the doc, i will be thr to check on her for the next 2hrs.

yes im fuckin tired.. but i noe i cant fall slp. my eyes all red frm cryin. yes im fuckin devastated. tis is the hardest ting ive ever had to deal wif, witnessin her agony. i feel like my mind is all fallin apart. how else can i make her pain go away?

离别六月秋雨

今天她离开了。。

临别时还送我们一群可录音的乖乖小宝贝。
她用留言表达了她对我们的依依不舍，
留下似有伸出小拇指約定，一定会重聚的誓言。



在我们之间有一种很单纯很简单的爱。
不管我们付出多少都不会觉得太多，
也许是因为现实中真的太少太少，
我们才会这样奢望，才这样寄托，才这样让彼此感动。
我知我们对彼此的爱，早已封存在内心深处。

也正是因为她们的存在，这里才令我如此地留恋。。

真的，有一些人注定要相遇，不论此前相隔多么遥远，
处于多么不同的世界，有着怎样毫不相干的从前。
相遇，相惜以后，再也分不开。
所以我坚信她今日的离别不是结局。
我们七月相逢的那天一定会来临。

这样的我们，算不算幸运，在这里的定局之后，
找到了另一个属于我们六人的乐园。

好期待。。

依婷，你一定不可以忘了我们的约定！

我们等着你！

stilled

你对我的想念越来越严重。可你的心灵却变得越来越狭窄。
特别是到了一种可怕的程度，退进两难的程度。


要记住，谁都不是谁的谁。

salvation

每次来到自己的blog，心中都会涌出许多的感慨，比较之下才发现总是辛酸多过高兴。不知是否因自己是那类看得不是很开的类型，才须说出来解脱一下。他们说如有一些话无处可说时，可以在这里哭诉。不想说就用写的，心情自然会放松。但又好像不太合乎情理。

今天陪她去打针诊病，对望着她的痛苦，本来已压抑的情绪，又浮上心头。也许最近为了她的病，心里的奔波劳累一点都不好受。每天面对着的两大不知：不知该如何才能减轻她的痛，不知多少的“你还好吗”才不会让她觉得烦。真害怕自己有一天承受不了会崩溃，好像随时都可能会疯掉。幸好我还有那仅存的理智告诉自己要控制，要冷静。我深知道冲动的后果远远大于我与她能承受的伤害。相对于她，我受的委曲又算什么呢？

也许我应常常劝自己。生活中要顾虑的事太多太多了，能真正的去感受从中的真实真的好难，这点对于我来说根本就是奢望。也许只有静静地陪在她身边，默默的洗刷心里那份无奈。就会慢慢让自己变得更加坚强。

我说不清自己现在的感觉，很迷茫。我只求当她真真切切的康复时，我可以用很平静的心来看我所记录的人情与事故。看到此时此刻的文字，也许我会在那一瞬间，因自己的努力，她的坚强而感动。。

胡言乱语

as usual like most fridays, they will come over for mj and i will hide in my pc room. their laughters' very overwhelmin and warmth but somehow it made me feel sad.. it seems as if they are not realli here. but the fact remains.. they r very much here. its all my hallucinations. weird.

im tryin to realize wat is wrong wif me. or, i shld say why im doin wat i am doin. for the last few weeks ever since i stopped mj. ive been spendin more time den usual on my pc. at first, i spent time bloggin, or lookin up info, or readin journals. in the last few weeks though, i find myself jus sittin here and starin at the screen.. for hrs. HOURS.. and not doin much of anyting. im exhausted and i continue to sit here, jus starin at the screen. i guess i nvr will figure out why..

am i supposed to call dat "runnin a defragmentation" on the brain?



~ no one ever knows when they will no longer be ~