yay.. time for mahjong later.. its been awhile since we last played.
my happiness tonite = slpless cranky neighbours! too bad, i dun realli care. not anymore.

empty table of mine

patiently waitin thru seasons

for our social ritual of,

when east meets west..

~ 08:42pm~

its realli nice to noe thr r pple ard me who cares..

aft lunchie wif jo, jas n jon i felt alot better oready. it would be perfect if ling could make it though. *winkz* karen's smses cheered me up too.. hehz. n not forgettin adrian n his kind words.. 'shit happens, take it easy n kan kai abit!' lolx.. maybe tis is life ba. wifout sufferins, we can't feel the compassion!! hmm, i mus go rest nw.. drivin n more drivin tml... omg when is all tis drivin gonna end? best of luck wif yr papers von.. ^^

ps: von, i need my source therapy..

destinated to be addicted to sadness....

shld i? shld i not? how nice if our hearts function wifout feelings n emotions. dat would make it alot easier for me to breathe thru tis thin air of misery..


Kiss me,
let me live once more
Hold me,
let us be whole
Leave me not my darling angel,
let me hold you one last time
In eternal embrace,
let our love be sealed
written by LiquidFire

he din leave clean like he claimed he would. he called me frm london jus now while i was drivin. i din say much. he hung up aft sayin "wifout u, life back here will be an ugly sight." i wonder wat he meant wif ugliness... i seriously think he's drunk.
gettin all high here n thr still doesn't mend dat hole in the heart, ive learned dat now.

sadly, sometimes pple seems to need us more den we could ever needed em. i was not rdy for whr he wanna take me. i dun think i will ever be rdy as i couldn't. so he left, 1st flight back to his life last nite. 7 yrs le. i can finally let it go. oready.

wateva it is, suan le. whoever it was. suan le, when did it happened, suan le. how did it happened, suan le. where it disappeared to, suan le. how it might haf been, suan le. suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suan le suaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan le!!!!
omg, i din noe i will be tis heartbroken. let it go jac, let it go.

u build a castle in my heart,

now silently left to ruin.

is tis how we will end?

in everlastin pain.

"Miracles happen, because we believe in them." ~ LiquidFire ~

they say 1 shall seek n 1 will find. go whr find? or we r jus not among those chosen 1s to witness dat very much needed miracle? grr.. realli, no matter how hard my mind wages constant battles wif faith, hope had somehow became so ethereal, so fragile. gosh.. wat a lonely nite wif all but too much misery of wanderin thru tis imagined existence of miracles..

i was followin my soul, tryin to venture to the realm of darkness.

even embrace wats lurkin in the shadows to hope find a cure.

was i even wrong?

but when evil dwells in the mind of mortals.

nobody dare to tell their tots..

nobody at all.

fuck fuck fuck....

i think im very much lost. i think i realli can't see the road ahead. i realli think i need to pray.. angels above, pls send my prayers to him...


dear lord, look upon her wif eyes of mercy, may your healing hand rest upon her, may your lifegivin powers flow into every cell of her body n into the depths of her soul, cleansin, purifyin, restorin her to wholeness n strength for service in your kingdom. amen.

even the sky is weepin wif sorrows now.. if onli those heavenly tears can cleanse the evilish. if onli... sighz.
my heart's so heavy now. too heavy i cant hold on anymore but i duuno how to let it go. i can't see happiness frm here, i can't see it anymore.

far-away kindness

if onli u could

caress dat pain frm his heart

forgotten laughters

if onli u could

fill dat void in my soul

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down on us. << ---- pls let tis be true.. pls pls pls....

Whispering winds,

bring me back to time,

glistened raindrops,

on your ivory face,

in my arms u were,

a sweet kiss,

on an enchanting night

written by Liquidfire

is realli comfortin to noe i can be some1's source of inspiration esp on a day so gloomy. is so hard to pretend to be strong when im all jello inside. my eyes r all sore n achy nw. i need to go lie down. i cant think straight anyway. wake me onli wif a fuckin gd news pls god.

haiz, u realli can never noe how big the world is until it falls on top of u.
im havin my major brain freeze since 10+ n yet my freeflow stingin tears couldn't stop.
im drownin my mind wif endless words. i need to speak, say something or perhaps shout it away! yet i can onli hide here pretendin it's not true, pretendin everything's real is merely a bad dream. tis heartache is tearin my soul apart. tis chill in my heart is too eerie, too cold to bear.

ahhh i wish thr's something i could've done to take it all away....
but i knew thr isn't.
tragic events wif happy endings r so precious on delicate nights such as tis. haiz.

silent tears he shed

broke my heart in two

fly away boy

to the land of hope.

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!

yesterday nite i reminded myself mus buy the 4numbers me n adrian 'found' while waitin for meow n von.
i overslpt thus did not buy. i woke up. the numbers open lor. @$#%^!(+&%** faint!!!!
we supposed to share n i din buy. now i feel so bad. so sian. haiz..

"Nice Sunset View huh? Happiness is being able to watch the sunset with the one you love....." (von's blog)

it's been a long long time since i last.... eh, to continue those words is cruelty.
maybe happiness is being able to watch the 'sunset ONLY' wif the ones u love von. if u stay any longer after the sun sets, happiness might wander away into the icy dark nite dat follows, wif no return.

actualli, wif the magnificent coastline of thousands swaying waves frm the turquoise-turned orangy ocean when the golden sun slowly makes his way down the infinite horizon. dat glow, dat warm feel of romance. ahh! indeed, sunsets r breathtakin in its own special hue.

damn.. memories i somehow managed to stash away found it's way back. images i tot was vague seems so alive now. bradley, keith, eric, jess n me. we watched numerous sunsets 2gether wif plenty of beers, plenty of bon jovi's. we were onli 17, 18.. dat evenin, mostly drunk. we count stars, shared our dreams aft the last rays of sunsets dyin lights n solemn nite took over soon, too soon. dat was the last time i saw brad. dat was the last sunset for brad, for me.

11yrs le. i still cant brace myself for 1more sunset.

wings gone limp

dreams left behind

he found heaven

wifout us.

~ Bradley Christopher Yuen, a dear friend ~

"I was delighted last evening when Jac popped up my task bar on MSN.Dunnoe why but I feel happy seeing her *winks*The lady had started her own blog.* thumbs up*Nice work. Lotsa pink :)"

those kind words r LF's taken frm his blog.. at least i noe i made some1 happy. ha! erm, as for kel, ive tried to write something nice n cheerful for once but those words jus had a hard time comin out. guess it's jus not easy n so not me. hmmm, reckon i will stick to writin whateva n howeva i feel. hehz...

i din feel like bloggin til it started to pour heavily at 4am.
i oways had tis thing for the rain. watchin those pearly droplets free fall like angels' tears leaves me spellbound, mostly romantic.. yet 2nite all i felt was loneliness. how nice if the1 i love was here to breathe beside my empty soul yearnin so much to be held, embrace me, 2gether we enter our dreams. haiz. i pray i can fall aslp soon so i wun miss u tis much. n hope when i finally dream, it will be yr smile baby...

oh wicked rain
u fell on me
like im so empty

REGRETS

~For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.~

~There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.~

i can't help but copy those 2 quotations for u, my baby sister.

stolens kisses r so so fine

til the day he waved gdbyes

images of him embedded in my mind

memories i shld nvr leave behind.

sometimes love can be both, the most beautiful n yet ugliest of all. either u feel like top of the world (usualli durin the honeymoon period) or lower den dirt (we all noe the time when love fades). sighz. is thr really wat they say: true n everlastin love? or it's jus a make-believed?

when u fell for the wrong guy, all the promises he once swore upon will be thrown into wasteland. wat den? cry those lonely tears of anguish sorrows, try every means to write dat obituary for yr heart. even if u found the so call mr. nice guy who cherish u, understood yr every needs. will there be contentment to last thru?

we nvr fail to see it til its too late, love is jus love before it reaches "i'll love u til the bitter end".

i can't slp. bad bad hangover now. my head is heavy n im jaded. i duno wat to say.

but i realli wanna say something. 2nite was easy for me til dat fateful phonecall.

i've nvr seen her dat way b4. sure, we had woes n pains frm the past..

but i din noe her heart n emotions r breakin down so hard.
aww man... tian yao liang le. it's scary to be so inspirated at tis hr.

yet, i can't help but made tis poem for her.


she has a stirrin heart dat no1 noes.
swayin in tears,
i felt her love on the cliff tonite
oh gal..
y do u yearn tis much
of a love u can nvr reach.

shimmerin pieces it broke into

my heart was once so beautiful

i was dat angel of urs

now stripped of her wings.

u n me, dat dream is finally done.

he left a msg in my mailbox tellin how much he missed me n blah blah blah.. i wasn't moved. how dare he try to even tell me stuffs i dun longed for anymore. i forgave him, for dat little inspiration on my 3rd poem. hehz
aiyo, suddenly a soulful calmness fills the air. maybe its the weather. kinda warm. i can't access my lonely journey of aimless mind wanderin tis way. no more addictive tots of sadness. how not interestin. ha! hao ba, 2nite i let my emotions slp.

nitetime is the oways the loneliest time. every1 u love has gone to bed for a better tml. im still waitin for my dreammate come find me. im so tired. i wan to slp. grrr... i jus can't as usual. to be able to lie on the bed n doze off immediately is a luxury ive long forgotten.. pple say count sheeps helps. 2nite, i will count the stars! ha...

din rain 2nite, at least not now. 1,2,3,4....7,10 hmmm, too little to hypnotise me.

twinkle n twinkles, they look so pretty like glisterin crystals painted over the dark canvas we call nite. yet, thr's oways something depressin abt the stars for me. high high up thr stretchin across eternity. they mus be realli lonely too ba. every glances they stole upon us, every glows' like a word nvr said, stories dat would nvr be told.

although i still love starin at those stars, i noe our souls shall never meet.

a realli big ty to ling n von for likin my first ever haiku. ^^ im feelin alot better le compared to days b4. muacks gals.. especially to ling for brightenin up my work last nite. bz bz bz drinkin n chattin wif her, time pass alot faster n yesh cold wings taste better wif beer! haha so here's 1 for ling for last nite.

mugs n a broken jug.

crowd cheered.

she sang like an angel.

u always smile but in yr eyes yr sorrow shows..

yrs ago, alan said dat to me. i've long forgotten y he said dat.

today especially, i felt like im hearin it again but tis time in my heart.

gosh, im still chewin my teeth into any flesh i can grab hold of.. no1 was spared.

omg tis is bad. it hasn't go away yet.

i still can't slp. i need to rest. gotta work later in the nite. zzz

any pumkins wanna feed my fists? sighz! guess not.

today is 1 of those day i woke feelin unworthy of life. my mind has flown to places i dun even noe names. so sianz.. ahh, it will pass, it oways does. yet while waitin for 'its finally gone' is too long, too tormentin. im makin pple ard me sick too ):

filled wif tears frm my eyes

yr heart shatters

beneath dat fadin smile,

all lies

i dun feel well today. had fever last nite. woke in the evenin when adrian suggested mahjong. i even forgot to reply to ling's sms. stay hm got pple pei, mahjong is a good idea. ^^

adrian n meow playin gb in my pc room while waitin for yvon. i got nothin to do. so i decided to let jelloe out for a little walk wif me jus outside our corridor. he follow while i walk front. he stop if i stop. how nice.. he din anyhow run. i was thinkin tis could be a good start for my baby.. we could do tis more often if he behave himself. come to think of it, i was kinda darin to even try. lolx

aft mahjong, every1 ready to head home. as usual they leave he bid em goodbye standin at the door. he nvr did try to sneak out.. but tis time, he rush out at the first chance he had when i opened the gate!!! eh, i din panic like i normalli would. i din chase like the boys did. maybe we did tis earlier n he was good. i had tis belief dat he was juz tryin to visit my neighbour's who kept a dog too. it was aft 15 secs i realised my dog is not comin back n adrian/meow was gone chasin aft him. no more sound. all silent. i ran out. i was almost in tears when all i saw was yvon tryin to locate the boys too.

omg.. my jelloe!!! he's a fast runner. they r not gonna find him. my jelloe will be missin.. he will not be able to find his way home even if he wans to.. im losin my baby for gd. how is he gonna take care of himself out thr in the 'wild'.. zzzz im faintin.. i feel nausea, the walls seems to be cavin in on me. i think im realli faintin.

juz as i was losin faith, my hero En Ren adrian appeared wif my baby in his arms. he told me jelloe was chasin aft a cat who was outside my hse.. actualli he did lose sight of him. not knowin which direction he went. he went on blind mice chase. he got lucky, nono is i got damn lucky he saw jelloe. aft some marathon, he finally caught hold of the notti cat chaser. i was thankful, god i was realli thankful. no enuff of thanks could xpress my gratitude. so tml im buyin him dinner. lolx

once in chalet n now tis. i dun think i could endure the tots of losin my most beloved anymore. no more no-leash walk ard for him n me. no more presumptions dat he's not dashin out like today.
safe enuff? haha, duuno wor. juz pray i got lucky everytime things go crazy. pray hard jac, pray realli hard.

5:14 am. can't slp again. a worried friend called me. seekin advices to help her grievin sis to feel better, stop her frm tearin n maybe even recover frm the loss of her love, a man who left her. she is hurt so bad that she stop eating, sleeping, hanging out with friends.. she's onli 21.

ah, i was emotionless, maybe i dunno her personally, maybe cuz tis is happenin to every1 at least once. i told him to let her be. suggest bring her for sad movies, radio her sad songs, read a sad novel. let her mourn. let her feel sad. let her haf a good cry, wash out her heart. he said cryin is bad. he dun see the sacredness in tears. every tears is gd for the soul. a powerful weapon to recover frm heartaches. if 1 fall to the deepest pit, 1 will learn how to brace 1self n find a way up again de. when she cry no more tears. she will stop.

he said i'm cold-blooded. :( grr.. to grieve love gone wrong is hurtful. we all noe dat dun we? the journey is a long walk frm happiness but if she dun do the necessary mournin, the pain will go away meh? it wun. it will jus go hide elsewhr, somewhr deep. 1day, it will come back n haunt her, torture her.

bfore he hung up. i told him she will be arite de. nothin dun heal thru time, nothin. someday she will be ok. there might be a stain on her heart but the pain will be gone. she will look back n laff at her sorrow today.

easier said den done he said. hmm, wat else can i say? lolx.

hao lei. time for tryin to slp..

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. -- Antoine de Saint --

"Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly, flittering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly...suddenly I awoke... Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man."

-- Chuang-tzu (Chinese philosopher)

"I am not quite sure whether I am dreaming or remembering, whether I have lived my life or dreamed it. Just as dreams do, memory makes me profoundly aware of the unreality, the evanescence of the world, a fleeting image in the moving water."

-- Eugène Ionesco (French dramatist)

pple oways say may dreams come true. i sure hope mine doesn't loh.

i was in ntuc wif ling when tis realli huge dinosaur attacked us, forcin us to 1 corner in a freezin store room tryin our fukin best to stay alive. finalli havin us for his yummy lunch. zzz how interestin to see yrself being eaten up raw..

tis is bad enuff, to think kelvin dreamt of roaches takin over the world. lolx yucks!

i took a long ride up space wif erm.. some1 i dun rem who. same like wat u wld see in movies. so empty so soulless.. so pathetic. close yr eyes nw, share wif me the tots of being so alone. no1 ard to feel yr joy yr bitterness. eerie..

to wake in tears is oways so depressin. so many funerals of love1s. they say is good for em if u dreamt of their deaths. keepin my fingers x! if it's not appealin to myself, why not wish for the best of others rite. lolx

maybe someday i will get the true blessin of sweetdreams.. maybe ba.